The Croods vs DDLJ!

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Pain is inevitable, Praying is optional !

At the hospital, 1.45PM.

She : Doctor is in an emergency, you'll have to wait.

Me : But I have an appointment.
She : Sir, I know, but he is in an emergency. Please wait.
Me: How long he'll take?
She: Sir, please pay 800 towards his fee and wait.

After waiting for more than an hour.
Me: Can you please check if the Doctor is free, I am having severe back-ache and finding difficult to even sit and wait.
She : Sir, he'll be here any moment, please wait.

After 15 minutes

She: Sir, there's the Doctor, you can go and visit him now.

Me : Thanks

In Doctor's Cabin, 3.30PM
Me: Doc, I am having severe back pain for last 2 days.
Doc: Please lie down there. 
*Lifts my left leg, right leg, left and right both*
Doc: Take these tablets twice a day for 5 days and apply this gel when in pain.
Me: Doc, I am right now in pain.

Doc: Don't worry. And, please send the next patient on your way out. 

Out of Doctor's Cabin, 3:32 PM

Me: God, you there? If you had to make me remember you, should have told, why this route. 

God: Haha! Wait for the doctor : 1.5 hrs. Time with the doctor: 2 minutes. And, in less than 5 seconds you remembered me! By the way, don't curse the Doc, what a priest can't achieve even after hours of sermons, they do it by not paying attention in less than 2 minutes. 

And, always remember , "Pain is inevitable, Praying is still optional" 

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Back from a vacation, Relax!

Earlier we discussed about how to plan a vacation when you are working in a corporate. And, it remains one of the most popular posts here. Google Analytics informs me that some people also reached that post while googling  “How to kill your Boss and other pursuit of happiness in office” . It's perfectly normal.

I noticed that while we have become smart enough to plan holidays, we still don’t know how to behave in office after a vacation.  “Darling, you know that we are just back after a 3 day holiday, so I need to catch-up with work. Shall be coming late for the next 3-4 days, please don't disturb now” Ramesh told his wife who called while he was in a meeting. That’s why Ramesh is still Senior Manager - Accounts. 

The art of successful vacationing doesn't end with a vacation, it begins from there.

Other day, I met Vencut ( Senior Vice President, Strategy) who was just back from his short vacation. Guy was bubbling with energy in the meeting room. Just before the very important fire-fighting meeting begun, one of his Associate Managers asked “Boss, how was your trip?”. And ,he began. “This is one of the best short trips I ever had. Simi just loved it. Drive on the Western Ghats is amazing, any of you guys tried that Hill Descent Control? I think this time BMW got it right. Prabal fort is a must visit man. I just relaxed, switched-off my blackberry and finished reading “LEAN IN, though I don’t necessarily agree with Sheryl Sandberg. Only thing I missed was my guitar classes, must leave office early for few weeks to catch-up on those ” .For the next 23 minutes, Vencut was just on and on about his trip.

If you notice carefully there are lessons here which a typical middle-management guy needs to learn from Vencut.

Never ever feel ashamed of taking leave and going for a vacation. Moment you start your after-vacation day by saying that “Got too many emails to clear, may get late in office”, you are bound to stick to that Assistant Vice President role, for ever. Grow Up. 

What Vencut called a ‘short’ vacation was actually a 7 day leave. And his passionate description of his rather simple holiday amused every one. This is what you need to learn.

Did you notice that he said “Simi” twice, without caring if people knew that his wife’s name is Simi. Who cares if you don’t know?  That’s how senior management and rich people talk about their family members ( and even their pet dogs ).

Not only did he tell that he drives a BMW, but also the book which he’s reading. This is how you inspire people. Next day, 5 of his team members were seen ordering “Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg” from flipkart. And some were even searching for what a Hill Descent Control means.

In Summary:
Senior Management : After coming back from the vacation, for next 2-3 days they don't leave any opportunity to passionately describe the awesomeness of their vacation.

Middle Management : For the full week they keep cribbing that they had to check emails, attend calls from Boss, do con-calls even when they were on vacation.

Junior Management : They begin their day with feeling guilty that they went for vacation and work late hours to compensate for the loss.

So, next time you are back from a vacation, you know how to behave.

PS: Click here to read the post I referred in the beginning .

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Oh my God, I am speechless!

Whenever I see these award functions, be it one of those 192 Bollywood awards an year or the one and only 'The Oscars', I dream of giving an acceptance speech.

Other way to express gratitude publicly is through these reality shows like KBC. Problem is that since childhood, I never faced any financial hardship. Also, none of my parents beat me so that I can paint a sorry picture.  Sometimes they gave me more than they could afford or I deserved, so nothing there in my life which makes me eligible to appear in a reality show. 

Then I thought why to subject myself to this cruel, man eat man world of cinema or reality TV when there is our own twitter. 

Now that I have 'arrived' on twitter, I must give an acceptance speech.

Here you go.

"Oh my God, Oh my God, I am speechless, this is incredible. I can’t believe that some 1200 of you, whom I haven't paid a single rupee, are following me. This is awesome. 

It’s an unbelievable act of God that you guys are following me. Some of you even have bigger car than me, which you keep flaunting every now and then, still follow me. That’s self less.

To all those pretty ladies, who keep ranting about their useless hubbies, in-disciplined kids but lovely dogs, thanks for following me. 

All those twitter biggies, with tens of thousands of followers, who are more particular about choosing the people they follow than their kids’ primary schools; I am indebted to you for life for following me.

Those wonderful wren n martin fan-club guys, known as Grammar-Nazis here, you are doing an awesome job. So what if a guy takes an hour to produce that deadly piece of witty pun, it’s your duty to tell in a split second that it should be it’s not its. Your (sorry) You’re awesome.

I must applaud the ladies and gentlemen, who always order food not for its taste but for it’s tweetability and instagrammableness. Wow. Your broccoli looks better than my coriander.

Special thanks to all those pun-machines, even if they are helping their kid to cross the road, then also they ensure that they tweet the joke at the speed of Usain Bolt to impress me and some 2345 other unknown blokes. Hope their kid has crossed the road safely.

I must mention here all those “avid readers” who drive all the way to crossword book stores, click pictures of books, tweet them. So what if they don’t buy or read. 

A special mention to those, who are awake till wee hours, just to participate in hash-tags because their twitter idols are also doing so. Kids' bed-time stories can happen later.

There's also a breed who live-tweet every TV event, be it a cricket match or an award show. They do this in spite of knowing that TV reach is far more than twitter. Take a bow.

How can I forget all those weather-broadcasters and flight information disseminatiors, it's because of you that people like me know that Pune's weather is awesome and flight to Bangalore is delayed by 30 minutes. What a service!

I know I am forgetting some tribes here, but as I said, Oh my God, Oh my God, I am speechless”

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Bad Day at office!

Pretty common, right!. Actually a Bad Day at office is as inevitable as bad traffic on your way to office. Remember that guy in Ceat Ad said "Street is full of Idiots" . However, smart, savvy and cautious driver you are, there will always be some jerks on the road, who'll bug you and even put you to risk. Some are as grave as life threatening, some are just annoying by their honking. Similarly at office, a bad day may be just a mood-spoiler or career limiting.

Coming back to my theory that office is not meant to give you happiness, because they pay you. It's upon you that in the process of doing job and making money, you may have have some (or more, if you are smart enough ) moments of fun. So, if you didn't have a bad day, it's their lameness, your luck and smartness, else Idiots will leave no chance to make it bad.

My point is, problem is not a bad day, problem is if you let it affect you. My two cents on how to cope with it.

• First thing first, they pay you, right. Just have a look at that salary credit sms you got, feel better! But never look at someone else's salary credit, that's damaging and beyond the scope of this blog.
• Ignore, simply ignore. If you don't believe it's bad, it's not. Dhoni is still playing, and Akshay Kumar is still acting and people are still speaking ill about both of them. Ignore.
• Theory of relativity. Do you remember that quiz where they ask you "How to make this line __________________shorter without erasing it? Simple, draw a longer line _______________________________ next to it. Hope you got the message, your bad day is not bad, if you make someone else's even worse. I know it's mean, but who said Life in Office is fair.
• Sycophancy helps. I think Rumi once said, 'Sycophant a day, keeps a bad day away' Always have people around who are ready to say at the drop of hat "Boss, awesome stinker email, you just nailed the matter, good that you replied all and copied COO as well". Sycophants are real morale-booster and as effective as doping, and not even illegal. 
• Pretend & Act. Come on, there's a bit of Tusshar Kapoor & Abhishek Bachchan in all of us. Ever noticed their interviews, tweets "Tweeple, Damn busy with some good assignments, so won't be able to reply, XOXO". And, some believe this also. Just pretend that you are having awesome time. Act as if it was the other guy who lost the argument in the office meeting and feel sorry about him.
• Revenge. Little tricky but effective if done well. Start with, not working and just lazying around in office for some days. That's your revenge on the employer, you not working and they still paying you. Some do it through out their office life, but that's senior management forte, so avoid over doing. 

If any of these doesn't help, hit the Bar. There's nothing which a true spirit can't cure. Cheers.

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