just THOUGHT no PROCESS

LookOut for a better (Microsoft) Outlook !

2012-01-13T21:26:00.000+05:30

Planning a Sick Leave - 2012

2012-01-08T22:50:00.000+05:30

Planning a Sick Leave, yes you read it right , It’s all about planning . And as Alan Lakein says “Failing to plan is planning to fail”.

Remember, you’ll always be reminded that you are an excellent resource and kind of indispensable to the organization when:

• You offer to resign

• Or, ask your Boss for a leave

Let’s not discuss resignation as that would need a bigger debate and focus on “Vacation Management” – ( “Holiday planning” is passé)

So here’s a step-by-step guide to Vacation Management.

Step 1 : Jot down the list of Public Holidays for 2012 , key is to note the Day on which a holiday is falling .

Step 2 : Memorize this by heart , I know you can mark it on your iPhone4 or BB , but memorizing this is always preferred so that you need not refer to your iPhone Calendar.

Step 3 : In case you have kids , match it with their holiday calendar . Remember , you should never encourage your kids to take leave because :

• You are paying for their school education, so the more they are in school, better value for your money.

• Second, your parents also did the same to you , so you must avenge on your kids.

Step 4 : List all the holidays falling on Fridays or Mondays or even Thursday , these are the ones which you have to focus. Ex : Jan 26th is falling on a thursday, so you get 4 days if you "fall" sick on Jan 27th.

Step 5 : Now visit all those Travel websites, negotiate, and book in advance for 4 nights and 5 Days. Yes , I said Book without checking with your Boss even if the travel advisor won’t refund your money on cancellation

Step 6 : Now , after you delivered a task on time , and your Boss is in good mood and faffing with you , broach the topic that you intend to go for a short vacation in that month – Never , ever reveal the dates , just month. If he sounds “approving” , say thanks and apply formally but after a couple of days.

Step 7 : If he doesn’t sound to be listening , forget it , who cares.

Step 8 : When you reach the week of your vacation , reach office late on a day prior and say you went to see doctor and keep coughing in the office , Don’t overdo though.

Step 9 : Proceed to Lonavala as scheduled but do drop a text to your Boss “ Unwell , Just went through some blood tests, may be , shall try reaching office in the evening , if possible. Can you please ask Ramesh to attend the strategy call on my behalf ”

Step 10 : Enjoy , Repeat as necessary but don’t over do.

Before I forget , here is the list of Hoildays for 2012 -

http://www.officeholidays.com/countries/india/

Here is an interesting Sick Leave Planner which I got as an email forward ! (click to enlarge )

You're welcome.

Things to do before the world ends!

2011-12-30T10:32:00.000+05:30

Like every year, this year too I was planning to start my obligatory annual drill called “Making New Year Resolutions”. Yeah, Yeah, same old ones - drink more water, join gym, read a book a month etc etc. If you think it’s easy to just copy paste the last year resolutions, you’re mistaken. It involves effort, like shuffle the order of resolutions and sometimes change the grammar and font also.

While I was working on this, the year 2012 struck me. This is not a normal year. India TV has been shouting at the top of their lungs – “ 2012 , Pralay ab door nahin” and must have transmitted a program on this almost every alternate day. I know, you don’t believe in India TV at all, and, till the time Bejan Daruwalla himself says that world will end in 2012, you’ll keep paying advance AMC for your water purifier.

But, what if the Mayan Calendar is true and the world does end in 2012? What if Bejan Daruwalla himself hasn’t started copying-pasting 2013 horoscope as yet? What if, this is the reason why these telecom companies offered dirt cheap life time valid plans?

I know, it’s difficult for some of you to believe that the world will really end in 2012, especially if you just paid 5000 extra for that “extended 5 years warranty for your Korean-Made-In-China LED TV.

Anyhow, I don’t see any harm in believing this. Also, it goes well with Steve Jobs’ philosophy - ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ And whenever the answer has been ‘No’ for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something”.

So this year, instead of making those run of the mill New Year Resolutions, I would rather make “Things to do before the world ends”.

1. Tell my mother-in-law that the other day I puked not because of food poisoning but after eating that Gajar ka halwa she made.

2. After attending that senior management office meeting, stand-up and tell all that “thanks for wasting time, even the free coffee was not worth my time”.

3. Reply official emails classifying their actual purpose into “CYA” , “just for marking presence, doesn’t make any sense” or “Intellectual vomit to impress boss”.

4. Take a big nail, scratch the Honda CRV of that “Undeserving-Boss Sucking-Colleague” and tell him – see my initials.

5. Last, and the most, Tell you all, Rajinikant looks ugly, even Uday Chopra is more handsome than him.

In case, we all still survive after 21 Dec 2012, let’s forget what I said and get back to our BAU ie You scratch my back and I may scratch yours.

That guy and an office party!

2011-12-13T22:00:00.000+05:30

If you work with any organization which has more than 2 people, and where they give you free coffee, in all likelihood you would have attended An Office Party. For many middle class employees (read Asst Vice President and below) , office parties are nothing but a wild card entry to the free booze and food.

Your office may give you any reason for these parties, but the untold ones are-

Completion of a project without any major (known) goof-up.
HR telling managers that informal gatherings help increase team morale.
Finance realizing that there’s still some budget left and year is about to end.
Achievement of sales targets without counting sale-returns.
Getting an award from a News Channel or a Print Media where you’re the biggest advertiser.
Manager’s wife and kids are out of town and cook is not coming.

Anyhow, why bother with the real reason, when one gets a chance to see that their not-so-middle-class bosses also love free booze as much as the subordinates.

Office Parties are usually fun for all except for the rare-and-soon-to-be-extinct lot of people called teetotalers. These are the biggest misfit in any team, and if they happen to be a vegetarian also, God bless! In any office party, these species are distinctly visible & audible–“One fresh lime soda, sweet-salted please”. Not only this, every snack that waiter brings, first thing they check- “Boss, Veg na?”

As if this was not enough, they also find it difficult to enjoy manager’s jokes. So what if it’s lame, no harm in giggling though. When the happy-go-lucky are contemplating should it be another tequila, scotch or beer, these guys are found with their plates stuffed with that butter paneer, naan and daal makhani.

Next time if there’s an office party, it’s better to give these Vegetarian Teetotalers free meal vouchers of “Sukh Sagar Veg Bhojanalaya”.

What Andy Warhol didn't tell you!

2011-12-04T23:08:00.001+05:30

Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di

2011-11-20T18:24:00.001+05:30

Yo boys I am singing song
Soup song...
Flop song ...
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di
Rhythm correct
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di
Maintain this
Why this kolaveri..aaa di.
Kambli-u
Cricket la You suck-u suck-u
Movies la you flop-u flop-u
Election la you lost-u lost-u
15 years you sleep-u sleep-u
Match la fix-u fix-u, you gone mad-u mad-u
Trying for big boss-u boss-u ?
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri da
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri da
Shahrukh-u
Ra.one la spent-u crores-u crores-u
Promotion la you mad-u mad-u
Taran says hit-u hit-u, Raja says flop-u flop-u
Filum flop-u or hit-u, no one knows-u knows-u
South culture good-u good-u
You eat-u curd noodle-u noodle-u
Curly hairs suck-u suck-u
South fun bad-u bad-u
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri da
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri da
Sunny Leone-u
White skin-u girl-u girl-u
Indian born-u girl-u girl-u
Rockstar Rockstar good-u good-u
PornStar PornStar bad-u bad-u
Indian cluture good-u good-u
Welcome to India, come-u come-u
But Indians, cum-u cum-u
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di

New Year Resolutions, WTF!

2011-11-19T15:56:00.001+05:30

Like every year, in 2011beginning too, I did the drill called Making New Year Resolutions. And, againlike every year, they were same as the last year, and many earlier years.

Now with 40 days to go in 2012,dilemma is – Should I start working on the New Year 2012 resolutions, or,revisit and do a progress check on the year 2011 ones.

December 2010, till now, few ofmy key plans were around:

Fitness: Started the year with a weight of 87kg, withplans to go to 80kg ( OK, 82 ). This is the resolution, which is on my mind daily, yet it’s just on my mind and doesn’t reflect well on my rear or front. Every day, I tell myself - will start running from tomorrow for sure. My iPod and Nike shoes are in never ending wait that the dude will come and dust us. Withweight touching 89, I’m sure this resolution will go a long way.

Reading / UpSkilling: Thought ofcompleting some in-house job-related certifications, 2 sets of courses, oneneeds some 14 exams to clear and I am stuck at 11. Other can’t be started till I clear all the 14 exams of the first level. Initial goal was to read at least abook a month, and all I read till now was, 2 fictions – Chanakya Chants &Revolution 2020.

Writing: Wanted to move beyondblogging and start writing a fiction, yet to begin.

NGO: Was pretty sure on this one,will start an NGO definitely in 2011 – self-funded to begin with. Did some work, hadsome ideas, contacted some wonderful people ( must mention here Chandni -@fundacause and Vibhuti @dheelidhakkan ) , yet no traction here also.

With 40 days yet to go, still none of these seem to benear conclusion. With this in mind, am sure for 2012, all I need to do is : New Year Resolutions ~~2011~~ 2012 .

Network, so that you need notwork.

2011-11-04T23:03:00.000+05:30

Are you that hardworking type? The one who believes that success is 99.9% perspiration and Work is Worship? Then please leave this page immediately and go back to work. Yes, it’s because of you that your Boss gets promoted. So, go ahead and please work even more so that HE can go home early for HIS golf practice while you do the number crunching.

Only worthwhile thing ever said about hard work is ~ If hard work were really a virtue, then mules would be saints. ~ James Dee Richardson

So all you need to know is how to network, so that you need notwork.

Smoking: I know, smoking is injurious to health and that research report says that it may shorten your life by 7 years. But, won’t it be better if you die as VP- Strategy, Synergy & Looking Forward than live long as an Assistant Manager – Sales. These smoking breaks would help you interact with your Boss’s Boss and give you a chance to appreciate his new Rolex watch.

Drinking: When was the last time you heard that CEO’s favorite drink is Lassi. You need to love your Vodka and Tequilas. How else would you be able to laugh at the COO’s silly jokes during that office Project Raw.Deal success party?

Flirting: Come on, what’s the harm even if you are married. Your wife would love you even more when you give her a solitaire on her birthday rather than that discounted Giordano watch. Be it that “not so young” head of marketing or your Boss’s secy, everyone likes to hear – Hey, looking so pretty, what did you do to your hair today”. Try, and see the results, at least this will help you in getting some dope about the Boss’s mood.

Faffing: You really think you’ll gain that promotion by being glued to your desk and bending 45 degrees towards your computer screen – that’ll only give you a backache. Get up and roam around. Spend some time at that coffee machine you hate, at the common office printer, loo and the cafeteria. Those are the places where you get to know who’s not getting along with his boss and who got snubbed in that Vision 2012 meeting. FYI, most of the promotions are discussed in the corridor.

Spamming: Yes, no one minds those occasional jokes over phone and some interesting email forwards. These also help your bosses and seniors to kill time in those long meetings. And, you never know when that email forward reaches your CEO and gives you that 20 seconds of glory in his inbox.

If at any point of time you think that these tips are not working, try them in combinations. Say, Drinking & Flirting together - at an office party.

PS: Smoking is injurious to health, many die at Asst. Manager Level also. Yes, Smoking Kills.

Ra.One Damn Damn!

2011-10-20T00:13:00.001+05:30

Those who know me are well aware of my love for Bollywood, SRK in general and Himesh Reshamiya in particular. The best thing about this industry is that they are so passionate about the craft that they don’t give a damn about time and money – your time and your money.

Let’s discuss the two most awaited Bollywood releases this Diwali. No this is not a movie review, as in Bollywood it’s unethical to publish the review before you watch the movie.

Ra.One

If you are connected to any form of media or simply put, if you’re alive, you would have heard about this movie. I am told that this is the Bollywood’s most expensive movie to date and will not be surprised if it’s the most expensive mistake of SRK’s life. This movie has also baffled the traditional MBA community who still think that the 4 Ps of marketing are Product, Price , Place and Promotion. New school of management, also known as MbaOne believes that there’s only one P of marketing and that is Promotion. On a serious note, this is known to be Bollywood’s most inclusive project ever, never before have a Tamil superstar, a Non Tamil Superstar and a Non Indian R&B superstar come together in a movie. Infact this American R&B artist, aka Aliaune Damala Badara Thiam, was so happy that he announced that he would like to perform more in India – Bryan Adams is worried.

Damadamm!

The other movie worth mentioning is Damadamm! (exclamation mark is part of the name, not my expression ). If RaOne is the most expensive attempt , this one is the most audacious attempt. It features the Himesh Reshamiya who will once again prove that India has got talent. Unlike SRK, Himesh does not believe in opulence, be it music, singing or distribution , he’s all doing it by himself except for the female lead. His promotions too are simple testimonies of his friends and relatives, who say this Diwali they’ll just watch Damadamm! –SRK is worried . If SRK is boasting about ChamakChallo, Himesh says it’s UmraoJaan who’s the next Shiela . In fact, song is so popular that even SRK sings it when he’s mobbed by the fans.

No touching no touching ♬

Only seeing only seeing ♬

No kissing no kissing ♬

Only seeing only seeing ♬

Chances are, that you’ll still end up watching at least one of these movies, and knowing you all, it’ll be the one who needs it most. Happy Diwali.

I am not Gandhi, even you're not.

2011-10-02T11:55:00.000+05:30

Writing it off !

2011-09-24T23:02:00.000+05:30

Writing is not easy, writing regularly is even more difficult. Hats off to people like Madhavan Narayanan , Sidin Vadukut, Jhunjhunwala, Faking News and many others who write regularly, week after week and write bloody well.

I try writing on weekends and my cues are usually on currentaffairs, on Bollywood or Corporate Life ( an oxymoron though). I wrote twice about Bollywood movies; ZNMD & MBKD, and both the movies did financially well. I thought, this week too, let me go and spend 1000bucks on watching Mausam and writeabout it, was afraid that it my spoil my track record of writing about “Box OfficeHit Movies". I also wanted to save money for the iphone5, and droppedthe idea.

Clueless about what to write, this Paris Hilton thinghappened. Like all seasoned researchers Ialso started my research with google. Within 0.13 seconds, I got 143,000,000 results. Now google pointed me to pages that cannot be openedwithout declaring “Continue, I’m over18” and then putting the “family filter” off. With kids around, I shelved the plan and decided to do a "safe" twitter search and landed on her twitter page.
Bio : Model, Actress, Singer, Brand, Business Woman, Fashion Designer, Author, Philanthropist and Empire.
I alwaysthought she is just famous for being filthy rich and releasing her short videos which people in India call MMS. She has close to 4.8 million followers which isalmost 100 times the followers our very own and equally talented Poonam Pandeyhas. I think India got her wrong, she’s much more than what India think she is famous for.

Still, I thought let me tweet something about her to checkwhat people want and in a few tweets realized that men want to “see” more of hernot “read” about her, dropped the idea of writing about her.

Then, this Vinod Kambli’s pic caughtmy attention. Later I realized that he has announced hisretirement from cricket. Retirement!! Idon’t follow cricket that keenly but atleast know this much that he’s not evenpart of any Ghatkopar or even Kandivali east cricket team, then what the hellis this retirement. Any how, wishing him the best of “retired” life, I moved on.

Continuing with cricket, I noted that Shoaib Akhtar istrending on twitter. Came to know that the guy is in India to promote his new book.Already disturbed with the fact that every Tom, Dick and Banker has taken upwriting, Shoaib’s new book really upset the aspiring writer in me. Still Ok, but what the hell is there to trend. OMG,he said, “Sachin , Dravid were scared of me”. So what big deal, he’s doing that for the publicity. Our Bollywood doesthese stunts every Friday.

Fed up with all this, I dropped the idea of writing all togetherthis week.

Insignificantly Yours

Vikas Goel

Mere Brother ki Dulhan

2011-09-11T02:33:00.001+05:30

I amjust back after watching this movie. I feel you should also watch it. If youare still hesitant, pick any of these reasons and get going.

It’sa family movie, I mean when did you last come across a movie which had twofamily members in the movie title itself – Brother and Dulhan.
Youare a big time Katrina fan, and, you don’t have access to youtube where you canwatch her Aamsutra ad.
Anything to do with Imran Khan must be good. He still remains your favorite, especiallyafter his split with Jemina Khan, oh wait.
Youare a firm believer that it’s our obligation to promote a movie which has anactor from Pakistan. Especially when every other attempt to bring peace between the twocountries has already failed.
Youare big fan of Taran Adarsh, John Abraham or both. ( Yes, I said John Abraham )
Anything which can be abbreviated to four alphabets ending with letter D is youridea of fun – ZNMD , **PD, MBKD etc.
You can’tbelieve that someone can mashup good movies like Sorry Bhai and Monsoon Weddingand still do a pathetic job.
Youwatch every Yash Raj movie because you had a dream that one day Aditya Choprawould do a cameo and you’ll get to see him.
ACat your home is not working and electrician says it’ll take around 3 hours toget it repaired.
Last, but not the least, you are still miffed with Team India's performance in England and want to punish yourself.

Pleasenote that this is not a paid review, and no animals have been harmed whilewriting this post.

I am corrupt, You?

2011-09-03T19:12:00.002+05:30

As you all know, I am a simple, GodLoving, Wife Fearing, Middle Class Indian. I must say, after this Anna Phenomenon, and Media sayingthat it’s all because of the Great Indian Middle Class, I am more than proud tobelong to this class. Other wise, after buying a 1 ½ BHK, carpet area of 480 sq ft, with borrowedmoney, in Mumbai suburbs, I had started thinking that I had moved up a notch.

The recent furor over corruption alwaysmade me wonder–When it comes to corruption, why we only talk aboutthe public servants? Arethey the only ones who could be corrupt , no one else?

Well, this made me do what any average middle class, internet accessing Indian would do, Google “What iscorruption?”.

And these were the results –

Dishonest or fraudulent conduct bythose in power, typically involving bribery . Lack of integrity or honesty(especially susceptibility to bribery); use of a position of trust fordishonest gain.

Then I also checked “What is bribe?”–

Money or any other valuable consideration given or promisedwith a view to persuade or induce the behavior ofperson.

Now that I knew what corruption and bribe were, I was clear that Team Anna is in the right direction -AverageIndian Middle Class can’t be corrupt.

I was about to switch-off and hit the bed when my daughter came in begging, Papa please explain the meaning of this -

BuraJo Dekhan Main Chala, Bura Naa Milya Koye !

Jo Munn Khoja Apnaa, To Mujhse Bura Naa Koye !!

Bythe time I was done explaining, I knew something was wrong.

When my son refused to eat green vegetables, didn’t I say -if you eatthis for a week I’ll buy you a new BeyBlade.
Didn’tI say “yes” when the computer service guy asked “Sir, got some new games,should I copy on your laptop”.
Didn’tI visit www.songs.pk to download the latest Bodyguard songscomposed by the very talented Himesh Reshammiya and Pritam.
Didn’tI say “yes” when the interior designer said, “Sir, if you insist on full bill –will have to pay service tax”.
Didn’tI pay 500 to a temple agent to get aquicker access to God when I visited the Shani temple.
Parents doing kids' homework or school projects to ensure that kids get better grades.
Agar tu mujhe tera program(source code) dega toh main tujhe us ladki ka contact details dunga! via TaiyouSun
Don't we say "God, please get my job done, 101 ka prasad chadhaunga" via amancool5

Before you start criticising the "system" , just think - Is Hamam mein sab nange hain !.

PS: If you got some more examples of corruption in every day life, feel free to tweet or comment, will be happy to include ( with credits ).

Don't feel like going to office?

2011-08-27T00:12:00.004+05:30

As usual, today also Vencut got up at 6.30 am, rubbing his eyes he picked up daily bunch of news papers lying at the door and hit the sofa. Unlike every morning, when he use to start his day reading Economic Times while checking emails on his Blackberry, today he picked up The Bombay Times first. His blackberry was lying unattended, ignored and wondering why its master (rather slave) is ignoring her.

His wife noticed that Vencut is staring that Vidya Balan’s “the dirty picture” for last five minutes and the tea almost got cold.

“Venky, Are you Ok? Should I make you some more hot tea ? I never knew you liked Vidya that much”, asked his wife.

Vencut, still lost, said “Darling, I don’t feel like going to office, let’s go out for a long drive”.

“You don’t want to go to office OR You want to go for a long drive?” , asked wife.

Vencut, already frustrated, shouted “what’s the difference?” By now, his wife has already gone into the bathroom for a shower.

Vencut started thinking about her question again “You don’t want to go to office OR you want to go for a long drive”. She was right, there was a huge difference, and actually – He just didn’t want to go to office.

I am sure Vencut is not the only one, it must have happened to you as well. There are days when you don’t want to go to office, for some, these days are almost five times a week. Never mind.

Well, when it comes to work, I believe there could be only two philosophies -

- Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

- Work is not supposed to give you happiness, if it was, why would you get paid.

Now if you claim you are in the first category, either you are a Pornstar or a liar. If you think, MS Dhoni also fits into the first category, just check with him once especially after that England tour. Emraan Hashmi - not again, kissing may be fun but acting is certainly not.

If you are not in the first category, here are my two cents.

Just think of five things which gives you happiness, Now, see if any of these activities pay you as well. Think harder. OK, stop thinking - you won't find one.

Well, in short – Lift your damn ass and go to office, no one will pay you to be happy.

Why Anna did but we couldn't !

2011-08-19T23:12:00.003+05:30

Fasting, Me? Live to eat..

and drink..

Waiting for God to make his 100th 100

Got meetings to attend and deadlines to meet.

Honey, come early and we'll go for a movie

Dude, gotta update my status, Bye.

Disclaimer: I don't have rights to any of these pics, all have been downloaded from internet.

Quiet Washing Machine and Noise Making Celeb

2011-08-03T20:01:00.001+05:30

What would you do if one of your gadgets or a house-hold appliance breaks down or starts malfunctioning? Call up the service center, local mechanic, check with a friend, right.

If you are a celeb, it’s even easier for you, assuming you have people to take care of your chores. These days, many a times, celebs even post a message on facebook, twitter to check for the service centre or ask people about their experience about the brand, fair enough.

Well, what triggered this whole post is this tweet by a Celeb with more than 180k followers.

I agree, that this happens if you are miffed with a brand or not getting good service but what this innocuous looking tweet lead to flurry of tweets tagged with this brand, here's one more:

Celebs are aware, that on twitter or may be facebook also, people start discussing whatever the celebs are discussing. This is simply to get their attention, a reply or an RT. This allows people their 2 seconds of fame where they can reach hundred thousands of people which otherwise is impossible in their life time.

Then came this tweet by some follower which the celeb retweeted :

Siemens wouldn’t have imagined in their wildest dreams that malfunctioning of one washing machine, in India, would lead to a stage that people start discussing not only competitor brands but German history and even their alleged connections with the Nazis.

Retweeting these gullible tweets, knowing that you’ve got a reach, without verifying sanctity, is adding fuel to the fire.

This is where a Celeb also a Twitter Giant (or as @amreekandesi calls them Pied Pipers of Social Media) need to be careful – yes, a little price for their popularity.

Did you ever notice a Bollywood celeb ever publicly tweeting against a big director or an actor, even if their work was miserable or film flopped – then why nor think twice before talking ill about a Brand.

Most of us, having worked or working with corporate know what it takes to create a brand. A brand may be inhuman but there are people behind it who create the it. And being a Brand endorsing community, Celebs themselves know that creating brands is a serious affair. It takes ages to create a good one and it’s even difficult to maintain one, and, sometimes all it takes is a tweet / post or a comment to malign it.

My point is, we all experience some disservice, under-performance, but should allow a chance and time to the organisation to rectify / explain before shooting off.

So be careful, and , if you are a Pied Piper on Twitter or facebook, be extra careful. One irresponsible ill tweet may dent a brand or have an impact on careers of people involved with the brand.

Disclaimer : Not for a moment I am against the celeb, infact she’s the only Bollywood personality I follow. I also don’t claim that I have never spoken ill about any brand on twitter - but thankfully I don't have any kind of reach. Also, I have no association, direct or indirect with Siemens. Don't outrage-think about the message in the post.

Having fun with LinkedIn!

2011-07-29T22:00:00.001+05:30

LinkedIn and Facebook are most popular social networking sites when it comes to connecting with your Current and your Ex – girlfriends or colleagues. I know some people do get mixed up but it’s preferred to connect with girlfriends / boyfriends on facebook and leave LinkedIn for colleagues or other professional contacts. ( In case you have a relationship in office, God Bless you)

Like all of you, even I used to think that LinkedIn is for serious kinds till I figured out some interesting ways to have fun ( and get noticed ).

Recently, I noticed that there was a typo in my designation on LinkedIn and corrected that. Next day, my LinkedIn mailbox was flooded with these:

Hello Vikas,

I saw you added XXXXXXXX to your profile, and wanted to drop you a note of congratulations!

Thanks to LinkedIn notifications, my contacts would have got a message that –

Vikas Goel has an updated current title or Vikas Goel is now XXXXX . Send Note

And knowing people, they would have clicked on “send note” to congratulate me. So, even if your job/designation doesn’t change – keep editing your profile and baffle your contacts.

Other fun feature is - Who’s viewed your profile? tab on the right side.

Yes, now it's possible to find out who's stalking you. Click and you may be surprised to see that pretty marketing lady in office you met in the elevator, was checking out your profile.So once you know, who was checking you out, see if it works to your advantage.

Have fun !

( If you know more of such ways to have fun on linkedin, drop me a note, will be glad to share here.)

Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara

2011-07-21T21:01:00.000+05:30

Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara , or ZNMD as it’s popularly called is not an ordinary movie – it’s almost Deepak Chopra, Robin Sharma with a dash of Katrina or as Jaaved Jaafri would call it –it’s different.

I went for this movie, not that I like topless Farhan Akhtar but because I got free tickets. As widely publicised , this movie is about seizing the moment, live life, over come your fears et al . But, there were also some subtle, some untold messages to be taken home.

Here you go.

Never ever show your girlfriend the gift you got for your Mom or sister.
Never flirt with your best friend’s girlfriend; he’ll not forgive you till he gets his next– Friendship na Rahegi Dobara.
Your friend may still accept if you flirt with his girlfriend but never ever mess with his cell phone.
Close your room’s door before you video chat with your fiancée, rather never video chat with your fiancée.
It’s still fine if you don’t know swimming but learn dancing and driving.
Always be kiss-ready and ready-to-kiss.
If hit hard, even tomatoes hurt.
Love & Sex are beyond any boundaries especially linguistic boundaries.
If two of the three friends date one girl, and third one somehow couldn’t – he’ll one day call her a bitch.
And last but not the least – Holidays are a must - Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara !

Think before you Twit or Pee !

2011-07-14T21:38:00.003+05:30

Leave the ~~Toilet~~ Twitter way you want to find it.

If you sprinkle while you tinkle, please wipe off the ~~Toilet~~ Twitter.

Don’t leave ~~Toilet~~ Twitter for someone else to clean up after you.

Don’t litter the ~~Toilet~~ Twitter.

Don’t graffiti the ~~Toilet~~ Twitter; it devalues your name and talent.

Please do not flush hygiene products down the ~~Toilet~~ Twitter.

You may need to wash your hand after you visit the ~~Toilet~~ Twitter.

~~Toilet~~ Twitter training should only be for toddlers, unless you’re starting yours this late.

This is ~~Toilet~~ Twitter not your dustbin that you’ll spit chewing gum in it.

Do not start shitting before you are completely settled in the ~~Toilet~~ Twitter.

~~Toilet~~ Twitter is not a place to discuss business.

Treat this ~~Toilet~~ Twitter as your own.

Follow them to avoid a stinking ~~Toilet~~ Twitter.

PS: Image via internet, source unknown.

Dope on Doping in Office

2011-07-09T19:52:00.001+05:30

We all heard about the recent doping scandal and you must be wondering why the hell these guys do it, right? You hypocrite! Let’s start with what’s doping ?

Doping – Use of Prohibitive drugs or methods to enhance performance. The use of performance enhancing drugs is mostly done to improve athletic performance. It is considered unethical and banned by most international sports organizations because it gives competitors an unfair advantage over others.

Well, now that you know the meaning of doping, let’s admit that we all do it. Wait, Wait – You haven’t done it ever – let’s re focus on the definition “ Use of prohibitive methods to enhance performance to gain competitive advantage”.

Now that half-yearly appraisals are near, let’s be reminded of a typical appraisal rating scale in most of the organisations.

Outstanding
Exceeds Expectations
Meets Expectations
Below Expectations

I know that most of you don’t even know what’s expected of you at your job, still, you’ll strive to be at least in that “Exceeds Expectations” category. Knowing the bell-curve , this means being in the top 20-25% of your colleagues who are also competing for the same.

And here’s the dope on how some of you have been gaining “unfair competitive advantage” by using “prohibitive methods” .

Without sacrificing personal life by working late, still, sending that occasional late evening email to boss when you are idling in office because your wife is coming to pick you up.
Bringing that special aromatic oil from Kerala or that Mava Kachauri from Jodhpur because his Missus likes it.
Complimenting his shirt as if it’s made of the finest cotton in-spite of knowing that it’s Peter England.
Remembering your Boss’s anniversary and reminding him of his boss’s anniversary.
Asking, “How is Aarav’s cricket coaching going on ?” While you struggle remembering names of your nephews and nieces.
Showing up in office while on leave or replying emails to prove your involvement.
Saying, “Good that you noticed that error. Your eye for detail is unmatched”, even if he just corrected an obvious typo.
Sharing his hobbies, and talking about them, and occasionally getting beaten up in his sport – even if he sucks at it.
Feeding him with the office gossip, even if it involves making up stories about his rivals in office.
"Is doping really possible" Asking such stupid questions and making him sound intelligent in front of others.
"Boss, Ma'am really got a great taste in house decor" , praising his Missus occasionally.

So, now you agree that we all use these unfair methods for our competitive advantage, so keep doping. Happy Appraisals.

CokeStudio@MTV

2011-06-17T23:44:00.002+05:30

Like everyone else even I was waiting for CokeStudio India. Must admit that it has got nothing to do with my love of Music, Coke or MTV. Like most other things in life, it was all about herd instinct.

For about a month or so, my timeline is abuzz with mentions of CokeStudio Pakistan. Frankly speaking, as far as music is concerned, even I am a big fan of Pakistan. You got it wrong, it's less to do with Ustad Rahat Fateh Ali Khan but more to do with www.songXX.Pk ( name withheld on request), my one stop shop for music.

Some say it’s a real game changer for MTV, it'll put Music back to MTV blah blah. But, I am sure that after producing trendsetting and inspiring shows like Roadies & SplitsVilla, MTV doesn’t give a damn to M.

Finally the day arrived, had earmarked this day in my calendar. I didn’t even accept any meeting after 5 today so that I can reach home before 7. It took me almost 45 seconds to find MTV Channel on my TV, last I remember switching on MTV when Cyrus Broacha was young and Cyrus Sahukar wasn’t even born. Atlast, I was watching Shaan on the CokeStudio and was glad that like everything else we’ll bollywoodise this also.

But, all that begun well didn’t end well for me, this is not what an Indian expects from a music programme.

Where the hell were judges in this – Talented Himesh, Anu Malik, Farah Khan, not even Archana Pooran Singh. Now how would I know whether Chinna Ponnu’s scale was correct or not. I still miss Himesh, his cap and his crap ( sorry, I mean Jai Mata Di, let’s rock). Now in absence of an eminent judge like Farah Khan, who would tell Harshdeep that she lacks that X factor and good singing is not everything.

Scoring – Now this is really lame, how can you guys watch a musical without scoring? Imagine talented Archana Pooran Singh scoring participants at the CokeStudio and giving 7/10 to Kailash Kher and 9/10 to Khagen Gogoi. For an average audience scores of experts like Sanjay Leela Bhansali and Archana are must to judge and compare the finesse of these performers.

Drama – Simple plain signing , written introduction and then singing again – What the hell is this. Why these guys didn’t show Sabri Brothers' rags to riches story, why cameramen didn’t visit their village to show their old parents, neighbours and even family cow. How about showing Priyanka Chopra and Uday Chopra introducing Shaan ? Why Tochi’s family was not in the audience with camera focusing on them every time he picks a high scale note.

Seems there’s no MBA in CokeStudio team, how can you have a reality music show with no movie stars coming and promoting their movie. SRK could have come to promote RaOne. Tushaar, Arshad, Sharman should have been called to promote Golmaal-9, they would also have judged the show. Talented Tushaar Kapoor would have given a tip or two to Sabri Bros.

Last and the most important , NO VOTE APEEAL – now this is ridiculous. Harshdeep should have appealed for vote , especially from Punjab. Being a Punjabi, I was ready with my mobile and would have spent Rs. 7 to “save her”. This is really bad for the economy as well.

Let’s watch the next episode coming Friday, if they don’t correct themselves even then , one of you should fast in front of CokeStudio .

मीठे में क्या है?

2011-06-17T20:20:00.001+05:30

Well, as promised, We are back. This is part 2 of my collaboration with the world famous Shiv Mishra , who blogs in Hindi at http://www.shiv-gyan.blogspot.com/ .

रोज की तरह आज भी शर्मा जी ने टाइम पर डिब्बे में रखे लंच का संहार किया. अचार के मसाले को चाटते हुए उनके चेहरे पर एक मुस्कान थी. लंच के बाद जब वे हाथ धो रहे थे, उस समय भी एक बार फिर से उनके चेहरे पर उसी मुस्कान का एक्शन रिप्ले हुआ जो उनके अचार का मसाला चाटते हुए आई थी. आइये जानने की कोशिश करते हैं कि शर्मा जी के मुखड़े पर इस मुस्कान के आने का कारण क्या है? उनसे पूछें? जाने दीजिये. मूड तो उनका ठीक है लेकिन मैनेजर ही तो हैं. पता नहीं कब बिदक जायें? वैसे भी आज सुबह से अभी तक किसी बात पर वे बिदके नहीं हैं. ऐसे में क्या पता कि हमारे सवाल पर ही बिदक जायें?

आफिस में रहते हुए मैनेजर अगर फ्रीक्वेन्टली नाराज़ न हो तो उसे मैनेजर माननेवालों की संख्या दिनों- दिन कम होती जाती है.

तब कैसे पता चलेगा? चलिए शर्मा जी के मन की बात पढ़ने की कोशिश करते हैं. क्या कहा? यह संभव नहीं? लगता है आपने श्री गोविंदा की महान फिल्म दूल्हे राजा नहीं देखी है इसीलिए ऐसा कह रहे हैं. आपने देखा नहीं कि उस फिल्म में गोविंदा जी किस तरह से किसी के मन की बात सुन लेते.....क्या कहा? समझ में आ गया? ये अच्छा हुआ नहीं तो मैं उस फिल्म के डायलॉग लिखकर आपको बताने की कोशिश करता जिससे आप बोर होते. समझदार पाठक की यही निशानी है कि वह बोरे होने से बचता रहे.

तो चलिए शर्मा जी के मन की बात सुनते हैं....मैंने पता लगा लिया. अब पढ़िए कि शर्मा जी क्यों मुस्कुराए.

आज उन्होंने अपने एक क्लायंट के साथ तीन बजे मीटिंग फिक्स कर ली है. काबिल मैनेजर की यही निशानी है कि वह अपने आफिस से दूर किसी क्लायंट से तीन बजे मीटिंग फिक्स कर ले जिससे मीटिंग ख़त्म होते-होते साढ़े चार बज जाए. जिससे वह वहाँ से निकल कर अपने आफिस फ़ोन करके यह बता सके कि अब आफिस पहुँचते-पहुँचते साढ़े पाँच बज जायेंगे इसलिए वह यहीं से घर चले जा रहे हैं. वैसे भी आफिस में कोई और मीटिंग तो है नहीं. आज मंगलवार है और मिड ऑफ द वीक मीटिंग वृहस्पतिवार को होती है. उस दिन तो छ से नौ बजे तक झक मारकर आफिस में बैठना ही पड़ता है. ऐसे में क्यों न वे आज घर जल्दी पहुंचकर मिसेज शर्मा को सरप्राइज दें?

श्रीमती जी सरप्राइज देने वाली बात उनके मन में आई ज़रूर है लेकिन उसको लेकर वे बहुत कन्विंश नहीं हैं. कारण यह है कि उन्होंने जब भी अपनी श्रीमती जी को सरप्राइज देने की कोशिश की है उनका सरप्राइज औंधे मुँह गिरा है. पहली बार कोशिश उन्होंने तब की थी जब मिसेज शर्मा के जन्मदिन पर उन्होंने एक फेमस ब्रांड की ईयर-रिंग्स खरीद कर उन्हें गिफ्ट की थी. उन ईयर-रिंग्स को देखकर मिसेज शर्मा का पहला रिएक्शन था; "क्या जरूरत थी इतना पैसा खर्च करने की?" दूसरा रिएक्शन था "इसकी डिजाइन कित्ती तो ओल्ड है."

श्रीमती जी के रियेक्शंस सुनकर शर्मा जी को एक क्षण के लिए लगा कि उनके फ्लैट की फर्श फट जाए जिससे वे उसमें समा जायें. यह बात अलग थी कि ऐसा हो न सका. बिल्डर ने फ्लैट की फर्श उतनी भी कमजोर नहीं बनाई थी कि घर की मालकिन को ईयर-रिंग्स पसंद न आने पर फट जाती. अपनी शर्म को समेटे शर्मा जी को मन मार कर चुप रह जाना पड़ा था. दूसरी बार उनका सरप्राइज तब औंधे मुँह गिरा था जब काम करने वाली मेड के दो दिनों तक न आने की वजह से उन्होंने श्रीमती जी की मदद करने के लिए तब बर्तन धो देने की कोशिश की थी जब वे नीचे सब्जी वाले से सब्जी खरीदने गयीं थीं. वापस आकर जब उन्होंने देखा कि शर्मा जी ने सारे बर्तन धो डाले थे तो उन्होंने यह कहते हुए अपनी नाराजगी दिखाई कि; "जब तुम्हें मालूम नहीं है कि बर्तन धोकर रखना कैसे है तो क्या जरूरत थी उसे धोने की?"

उस दिन फर्श में समा जाने की बात उनके मन में नहीं आई क्योंकि उन्हें यह बता पता थी कि फर्श के फटने का कोई चांस नहीं था. हाँ, यह बात मन में जरूर आई कि कौन सा बहाना बनाकर वे घर से तीन-चार घंटे के लिए निकल जायें? चूंकि उन्हें तुरंत कोई बहाना नहीं सूझा था इसलिए घर में ही रहकर आधे घंटे तक वे मिसेज शर्मा की बातें सुनते रहे. कुछ देर बाद टीवी पर चल रहे एक सिंगिंग रियलिटी शो ने उन्हें उबारा. तीसरी बार उनका सरप्राइज तब...खैर जाने दीजिये. पुरानी बातों के बारे में बात करके क्या फायदा?

वहीँ दूसरी तरफ मिसेज शर्मा ने जब भी चाहा 'आर्यपुत्र' को सरप्राइज देने में हमेशा कामयाब रहीं. पहली बार उन्होंने तब सरप्राइज दी जब पड़ोस की अपनी फ्रेंड मिसेज सुरी के रस्ते पर चलते हुए एक बदनाम फिनांस कंपनी में डिपोजिट अकाउंट इसलिए खोला क्योंकि उसके एजेंट के अनुसार पाँच साल तक पैसा जमा करने से उन्हें कंपनी के हाउसिंग प्रोजेक्ट में फ्लैट मिलना था. दूसरी बार मिसेज शर्मा ने तब सरप्राइज दिया...खैर जाने दीजिये. जब शर्मा जी के सरप्राइज की बात और नहीं हुई तो बराबरी का तकाजा है कि मिसेज शर्मा के सरप्राइज की बात को भी आगे न बढ़ाया जाय.

अपनी सरप्राइज देने की कोशिशों के हर बार धरासायी होने के बावजूद आज एक बार फिर से शर्मा जी के मन में आया कि सरप्राइज पर एक बार फिर से हाथ आजमाया जाय. कोशिश करने में हर्ज़ ही क्या है? उन्होंने आठवीं कक्षा में बच्चन जी की कविता बड़े मन से पढ़ी थी जिसमें बताया गया था कि; "कोशिश करने वालों की हार नहीं होती.." बच्चन जी की फिलासफी से प्रभावित शर्मा जी ने आज मन में एक बार फिर से ठान ही लिया कि वे बहुत दिनों बाद श्रीमती जी को सरप्राइज करेंगे.

मीटिंग ख़त्म करके वे घर की तरफ रवाना हो लिए.

कार की पिछली सीट पर बैठे वे घर की तरफ चले जा रहे हैं. अगर आप वैज्ञानिक बुद्धि की अधिकता वाले पाठक हैं तो यह भी कह सकते हैं कि शर्मा जी घर की तरफ कहाँ जा रहे हैं? घर की तरफ तो उनकी कार जा रही है और यह संयोग की बात है कि चूंकि वे भी उसी कार में बैठे हैं इसलिए वे भी घर की तरफ जा पा रहे हैं. खैर जो भी हो, घर की तरफ चले जा रहे शर्मा जी ने अपनी घड़ी पर एक निगाह डाली. मन ही मन सोचा; 'वाह,! आज बहुत दिनों बाद सवा पाँच बजे तक घर पहुंचकर मिसेज को सरप्राइज दूंगा.'

आस-पास से जाने वाली कारों में बैठे लोगों को देखकर वे मन ही मन यह अनुमान भी लगाते जा रहे थे कि इनमें से कितने लोग़ इतनी जल्दी अपने घर जा रहे होंगे? दूसरे ही पल सोचते; 'इनलोगों को देखकर तो नहीं लगता कि ये लोग़ अपने घर जा रहे हैं. देखकर तो यही लगता है कि क्लायंट के साथ मीटिंग करके अपने आफिस वापस जा रहे हैं.'

उनके मन में कई बार आया कि किसी सिग्नल पर वे कार का विंडो ग्लास नीचे खिसका कर बगल वाली कार में बैठे साहब से पूछ लें कि; "आप क्लायंट के साथ मीटिंग ख़त्म करके अपने आफिस वापस क्यों जा रहे हैं? वहीँ से घर क्यों नहीं चले गए? मुझे देखिये...." उनके मन में यह भी आया कि एक बार विंडो ग्लास नीचे खिसका कर वे चिल्लाकर लोगों को बताएं कि वे आज बहुत जल्दी अपने घर जा रहे हैं. यह भी कि जल्दी घर पहुंचकर अपनी श्रीमती जी को सरप्राइज देना चाहते हैं. यह भी कि जीवन की इस आपा-धापी में बीच-बीच में ऐसा करने से एक मैनेजर की घर के प्रति जिम्मेदारियां निभ जाती हैं.

ऐसा करने के बाद कोई उसके ऊपर आरोप नहीं लगा सकता कि वो केवल आफिस में अपने काम में बिजी रहता है और घर की तरफ ध्यान नहीं देता.

न्यूटन जी का रहस्योद्घाटन कि; "कोई वस्तु गतिशील अवस्था में तबतक रहती है जबतक उसपर बाहरी बल न लगाया जाय", आज एक बार फिर से तब सच्चा साबित हुआ जब शर्मा जी के ड्राइवर ने बिल्डिंग के नीचे पहुँच चुकी उनकी कार पर ब्रेक लगा दिया. थोड़ी ही देर में शर्मा जी अपने फ्लैट के सामने थे. उन्होंने "आज मौसम है बड़ा, बेईमान है बड़ा.." गुनगुनाते हुए डोरबेल बजाई. करीब तीन मिनट तक दरवाजा नहीं खुला. उन्होंने एक बार फिर से मौसम के बेईमान होने की बात गाने में बताते हुए डोरबेल बजाई. इसबार दरवाजा खुला. सामने मिसेज शर्मा खड़ी थीं.

उन्होंने बायें हाथ से दरवाजा खोला. अपने दायें हाथ की उँगलियों को इस तरह से आड़ी-तिरछी कर रखी थीं जैसे परदे पर शैडो बनानेवाला कोई कलाकार तोता बनाने की कोशिश करता हुआ बरामद हुआ हो. उँगलियों को आड़ी-तिरछी रखकर तोता बनाने के पीछे कारण यह था कि जब अचानक डोरबेल बजी तो वे किचेन में बर्तन धो रही थी. ऐसे में पानी में भीगी उँगलियों और हथेली का तोते में कन्वर्ट हो जाना एक स्वाभाविक बात थी.

दरवाजा खोलने के बाद अपनी उँगलियों से बनाये गए तोते को बड़े प्यार से संभालते हुए वे वापस किचेन में चली गईं. शर्मा जी के चेहरे पर गर्व के वही भाव थे जो जल्दी घर आकर सरप्राइज देने वाले हसबैंड के चहरे पर होते हैं. सोफे पर बैठते हुए उन्होंने मिसेज से कहा; "डार्लिंग, एक कप चाय हो जाए."

इतना कहने के बाद वे एक बार फिर से बेईमान मौसम की बात वाले गीत के बहाने मोहम्मद रफ़ी की मिमिक्री करने की कोशिश करने लगे. पाँच मिनट बाद मिसेज ने टेबिल पर लाकर चाय से भरा कप लगभग पटकते हुए रख दिया. एक कप चाय देखकर शर्मा जी बोले; "अरे, अपने लिए नहीं बनाया? एक ही कप चाय ले आई?"

उनकी बात सुनकर मिसेज शर्मा बोलीं; "तुम्ही ने तो कहा कि एक कप चाय हो जाए. तो एक कप ले आई."

मिसेज की बात के सहारे उनका तेवर पढ़ते हुए उन्हें अपना सरप्राइज आज एकबार फिर से धरासायी होता हुआ दिखाई दिया. स्थिति को भांपकर उसे सँभालने की कोशिश करते हुए बोले; "हे हे, तुम भी न. अच्छा कोई बात नहीं. चलो आज कटिंग चाय पी लेंगे."

उनकी बात सुनकर मिसेज शर्मा ने कप उठाकर एक घूँट चाय पी और कप को प्लेट में वैसे ही पटका जैसे एल बी डब्लू के गलत डिसीजन का शिकार बैट्समैन अपना बैट पटकता है. यह करने के बाद वे फिर से रसोई घर में चली गईं.

अपनी सरप्राइज को जिन्दा रखने की कवायद करते हुए शर्मा जी ने उसे फिर से बातों की संजीवनी बूटी पिलाने की कोशिश की. बोले; "चलो, आज जल्दी आ गया हूँ तो बाहर चलकर डिनर करते हैं. आज चायनीज खाते हैं."

उनकी बात सुनकर मिसेज ने रसोई से ही आवाज़ लगाई; "कोई जरूरत नहीं है. वैसे भी खाना बन गया है."

शर्मा जी ने परिस्थिति को फिर से सँभालने की कोशिश करते हुए कहा; "कोई बात नहीं. डिनर में तो अभी देर है. चलो जुहू चौपाटी चलते हैं. वहाँ थोड़ा घूम लेंगे. पानीपूरी खाए बहुत दिन हो गया, आज पानीपूरी खाकर आते हैं. वैसे एक काम और कर सकते हैं. वो पृथ्वी थियेटर में कई महीनों से एक बड़ा हिट प्ले चल रहा है,रावणलीला. सुना है बहुत कॉमेडी प्ले है. उसको देख आते हैं."

उनकी बात सुनकर मिसेज शर्मा और भड़क गईं. बोलीं; "और ये काम कौन करेगा? किचेन में इतना बर्तन पड़ा है उसको कौन धोएगा? हुंह, और रावणलीला देखने के लिए थियेटर क्यों जाना? रावणलीला तो में घर में ही देख रही हूँ. वो कम है क्या?"

उनकी बात सुनकर शर्मा जी किचेन में गए. किचेन का स्लैब बर्तनों से भरा था. अब उन्हें अपने सरप्राइज के चित हो जाने की चिंता नहीं थी. उन्हें पता चल चुका था कि उन्होंने जितना समझा था, मामला उससे ज्यादा सीरियस है. बोले; "तुम बर्तन धो रही हो? सक्कुबाई नहीं आई क्या आज?"

उनके सवाल के जवाब में मिसेज शर्मा बोलीं; "वो क्या आएगी? मैं उसे आने दूँ तब न. उसका बस चले तो मुझे ही घर से निकाल कर इस घर पर कब्ज़ा कर ले. मैंने उसको निकाल दिया. हुंह, बड़े आये रावणलीला दिखाने वाले."

मिसेज शर्मा अब आपे से बाहर थीं. बायें हाथ से बालों को ठीक करते हुए बोलीं; "मैंने उसको ऐसे ही नहीं निकाला."

"लेकिन क्यों? वह तो अच्छा ही काम करती थी. खुद तुमने कई बार उसकी तारीफ़ की है"; शर्मा जी को अभी भी समझ में नहीं आ रहा था कि श्रीमती जी ने सक्कुबाई को निकाला क्यों?

"हाँ, तुम तो बोलोगे ही कि अच्छा काम करती थी. मैं क्या समझती नहीं हूँ? सब एक जैसे हैं. जगह कोई भी हो, सारे मर्द एक जैसे हैं. जैसा वो शाइनी आहूजा और खान, वैसे ही तुम"; मिसेज शर्मा ने अपनी बात रखकर धर दिया.

उनकी बात सुनकर शर्मा जी को हँसी आ गई. बोले; "कोई खान भी मेड के चक्कर में फंस गया क्या? कौन वाला फंसा?"

"हंसो मत. जैसे तुम्हें मालूम ही नहीं कि मैं वो अमेरिका वाले खान की बात कर रही हूँ. वो जो होटल में मेड के साथ...."

श्रीमती जी की बात सुनकर शर्मा जी की हँसी दिन दूनी रात चौगुनी स्टाइल में बढ़ गई. बोले; "अरे वो खान नहीं है. उसका नाम कान है. डोमिनिक स्ट्रॉस कान. और डार्लिंग, तुम मेरे ऊपर इतना बड़ा एलीगेशन लगा रही हो? मैंने तो आजतक सक्कुबाई से ढंग से बात भी नहीं की. मैंने ऐसा क्या कर दिया जो तुम मुझे शाइनी..... "

"अच्छा, तुम्हें क्या लगता है, मुझे कुछ मालूम नहीं है? वो सक्कुबाई ने मुझे सबकुछ बता दिया है"; मिसेज ने अब जोर-जोर से बोलना शुरू कर दिया था.

"अरे क्या बता दिया है?"; अब शर्मा जी को मामला और पेंचीदा लग रहा था.

"वही जो वो लड़का उस चॉकलेट के ऐड में अपनी वाइफ से रोज-रोज कहता है. आज मीठे में क्या है? आज मीठे में क्या है? उसने खुद बताया कि न जाने कितनी बार डिनर ख़त्म होने के बाद तुमने सक्कुबाई से पूछा कि मीठे में क्या है? अब कह दो कि तुमने ये नहीं पूछा?"; मिसेज शर्मा की आवाज़ तेज होती जा रही थी.

वे बोलती जा रही थीं और शर्मा जी को लग रहा था कि मिसेज शर्मा का हर शब्द शर्मा जी के सरप्राइज के गुब्बारे में पिन बनकर चुभता जा रहा है. गुब्बारे की हवा निकलती जा रही थी.

आप वह विज्ञापन भी देख लीजिये.

शर्मा जी का डिब्बा

2011-06-15T18:11:00.000+05:30

Surprised, don't be. It's not me-It's us. Well, I met this ( yet to meet personally ) this awesome gentleman, Hindi blogger par excellence and soon to be a published author Shiv Mishra on twitter , and this is our joint effort. He blogs in Hindi here http://www.shiv-gyan.blogspot.com/ .

This is first of our 2 part post. Read on.

एक वीक-डेज वाली दोपहर. आफिस के दो बज रहे थे. आप कह सकते हैं; "किसी आफिस का बारह बजते सुना है लेकिन दो बजते हुए तो नहीं सुना."

तो मेरा कहना यह है कि; - अब देखिये सुना तो मैंने भी नहीं. हाँ, देखा ज़रूर है. कि दो बजे का समय बहुत महत्वपूर्ण होता है. कि दो बजते ही तमाम लोग़ कसमसाने लगते हैं. कि दो बजते ही एक-दूसरे को अपनी भूख का हिसाब देते हैं जिसका मतलब यह होता है कि बड़े जोरों की भूख लगी है. कि दो बजते ही आफिस के प्यून मन ही मन बुदबुदाने लगते हैं कि साहेब लोग़ अब बुलाएँगे. किचेन से प्लेट और चम्मच लाने को कहेंगे. कि फ्रिज से ठंडा पानी लाने के लिए कहेंगे. कि चार रोटी और सब्जी क्या खायेंगे पूरे घंटे भर सतायेंगे.

उधर प्लेट और चम्मच के जोड़े भी धुल जाने के बाद सुबह से ही सोचने लगते हैं कि पता नहीं आज किसके हत्थे चढ़ेंगे? दोनों की ज्वाइंट आकांक्षा यह रहती है कि "कितना अच्छा हो अगर आज हमदोनों मिस्टर मेहता के हाथ लगें. वे हमें कितने प्यार से पकड़ते हैं. सब्जी खाने के बाद चम्मच को ऐसे देखते हैं जैसे उससे सहानुभूति दिखाते हुए पूछ रहे हों कि दो सेकंड के लिए तुम सब्जी लादे हुए मेरे मुँह में गए थे, तुम्हें तकलीफ तो नहीं हुई? हे भगवान, आज हमें गौतम साहेब के हत्थे मत चढ़ाना. लंच के समय जब भी हमदोनों उनके हाथ में पहुँचते हैं, वे खाने से पहले कम से कम पाँच मिनट तक हमदोनों को साथ बजाते हुए "कजरारे कजरारे" गाते हैं."

कई बार तो चम्मच के मन में यह भी आया कि वह किसी बहाने गौतम जी का हाथ छुड़ाकर उछले और सीधा उनकी नाक पर एक किक जमा दे. लेकिन बेचारा उनकी मैनेजरी का लिहाज करता हुआ चुप ही रहता है.

उधर टिफिन में ठूंसकर भरी गई रोटियां पिछले चार घंटों से टिफिन से निकलने के लिए ठीक वैसे ही तड़प रही होती हैं जैसे तिहाड़ से निकलने के लिए कनिमोई. नौ बजे मिसेज शर्मा ने उन्हें सूखे आलू की सब्जी के साथ पतली वाली टिफिन में ठूंसा नहीं कि रोटियां कसमसाने हुए अपनी किस्मत को रोने लगती हैं कि अब न चाहते हुए भी चार घंटे इस आलू की सब्जी के साथ रहना पड़ेगा. दो बजे से पहले इससे डायवोर्स के चांस नहीं हैं. सूखे आलू की सब्जी उधर अपने साथ चेंप दिए गए एक फांक आम के अचार से पीड़ित है. आम का अचार आलू की सब्जी की आँख में घुसकर उसे पूरे साढ़े पाँच घंटे रुलाता है. आम के कई फांक तो अपने साथ इतना मसाला लिए हुए चलते हैं जितना उस आलू की सब्जी की आँख में घुसकर उसे तीन दिनों तक रुलाने के लिए काफी है. आलू की सब्जी की त्रासदी यह कि वह रोने के अलावा और कुछ नहीं कर सकती.

वैसे भी हमारी संस्कृति में उसको ज्यादा कुछ करने की इजाजत नहीं है.

ऐसे में सब्जी यह सोचते हुए चुप रहती है कि; 'अगर मैं सब्जी न बनी होती तो मैं आलू होती. होती तो क्या, कहना चाहिए कि आलू होता. तब देखता कि मिसेज शर्मा मुझे टिफिन में कैसे रखतीं? अगर कोशिश भी करती तो मैं टिफिन के ढक्कन को ऊपर फेंकते हुए किचेन से लुढ़कते हुए सीधा ड्राइंग रूम में जाकर सोफे से टकराकर केवल इसलिए रुकता क्योंकि सोफा मेरे सामने सीमा पर खड़े हुए फौजी जैसा अड़ा रहता. लेकिन ऐसी किस्मत कहाँ कि मैं सब्जी बनूँ ही नहीं और सिर्फ आलू बनकर इधर-उधर ढुलकता फिरूं. एक बार सब्जी बनी और मैं था से थी हुई नहीं कि फिर कोई भी मेरे साथ कुछ भी कर सकता है.'

सब्जी को पता है कि अब उसको इस कैद से छुड़ाने का काम मिस्टर शर्मा दो बजे ही करेंगे. लिहाजा वह गुलज़ार साहब की ग़ज़ल की लाइन; "दफ्न करदो मुझे कि सांस मिले, नब्ज़ कुछ देर से थमी सी है"दोहराते हुए दो बजने का इंतजार करती रहती है.

उधर जब दो बजे शर्मा जी इन रोटियों की रिहाई का महान काम अपने हाथ में लेते हैं तब इन रोटियों को उसी तरह की फीलिंग होती है जैसी कई वर्षों तक जेल में रहने के बाद छोड़ दिए जाने पर नेल्सन मंडेला को हुई होगी.

रोज लंच के समय टिफिन खोलते हुए शर्मा जी मिसेज शर्मा के स्पेस यूटीलाइजेशन स्किल्स की दाद मन ही मन बड़ी लाउडली देते हैं. मुंबई में रहते हुए मिसेज शर्मा ने दो खानों वाली पतली सी टिफिन में रोटियां, सब्जी, अचार और कभी-कभी दो फांक प्याज ठूंसने में महारत हासिल कर ली है. वह तो शर्मा जी ने सिले हुए पापड़ खाने से मना कर दिया है वरना मिसेज शर्मा तो उसी टिफिन में पापड़ भी रख सकती हैं. अपनी टिफिन खोलकर रोटियां निकालते हुए शर्मा जी के मन में यह बात ज़रूर आती है कि इस तरह की स्किल्स में एक्सेलेंस अचीव करने में श्रीमती जी को कितन समय लगा होगा? क्या इतनी बढ़िया स्टोरिंग वह पहले दिन से ही करने लगी होगी? या फिर रिफाइनमेंट में समय लगा होगा? कई बार तो शर्मा जी मन ही मन यह भी सोचते हैं कि श्रीमती जी अगर किसी लोजिस्टिक्स कंपनी में नौकरी करती तो हर साल उन्हें बेस्ट एम्प्लोयी का अवार्ड मिलता. या फिर मिसेज शर्मा अगर किसी पब्लिक सेक्टर कंपनी की फैक्ट्री में स्टोरकीपर होती तो कंपनी हर साल छब्बीस जनवरी के अवसर पर उनका नाम प्रेसिडेंट गोल्ड मेडल के लिए पक्का भिजवाती.

मिसेज शर्मा ने टिफिन में खाना रखने की यह स्किल मुंबई की लोकल ट्रेन में ठुंसे हुए पैसेंजर्स को देखकर सीखी या फिर मुंबई के लोकल ट्रेन चलानेवालों ने शर्मा जी के खाने की टिफिन देखकर लोकल ट्रेन के डिब्बों में पैसेंजर ठूंसकर ट्रेन चलाने का आईडिया निकाला, यह एक शोध का विषय है. आने वाले दिनों में इस विषय पर कोई छात्र पी एचडी कर सकता है, साहित्यकार कहानी लिख सकता है, कवि कविता ठेल सकता है या फिर आई आई टी में पी एचडी की डिग्री की खोज में पहुँचा कोई इंजिनीयर अपनी अपनी थीसिस लिख सकता है. दुनियाँ भर की लोजिस्टिक्स कम्पनियाँ मिसेज शर्मा से स्पेस यूटिलाइजेशन पर कंसल्टेंसी ले सकती हैं. मिस्टर शर्मा को तो यह विश्वास भी है कि मिसेज शर्मा कंसल्टेंसी दे भी सकती हैं.

रोज दो बजे दोपहर में शर्मा जी टिफिन में कैद रोटियों को आज़ाद करवाते हैं. जब वे आलू की सूखी सब्जी को प्लेट में डालते हैं तब उसे लगता है जैसे किसी ने उसे फाँसी के तख्ते से उतार कर इसलिए नीचे रख दिया क्योंकि पिछले चार घंटे से राष्ट्रपति के दरबार में इंतजार कर रही माफी की उसकी अर्जी को राष्ट्रपति ने मंजूर कर दी. अचार के फांक को आलू की सब्जी की आँखों से निकाल कर जब शर्मा जी प्लेट में रखते हैं, तब आलू की सब्जी के मन में आता है कि वह उन्हें आशीर्वाद या वरदान टाइप कुछ दे डाले लेकिन वह ऐसा नहीं कर पाती क्योंकि उसे तुरंत याद आता है कि अगले दस मिनट में शर्मा जी उसे चट कर जायेंगे.

मिस्टर शर्मा, मिसेज शर्मा, रोटियां, सब्जी, अचार और डिब्बे की यह कहानी यूं ही चलती रहती है. सभी को एक-दूसरे से शिकायत हो सकती है लेकिन कोई किसी को छोड़कर जाना नहीं चाहता.

Else I'll go on fast

2011-06-04T21:16:00.009+05:30

Seeing the recent trend that "threat to fast" or "going on fast" really works, my friend VenCut BallSubbu wrote to his CEO .

........................................................

June 1, 2011

Dear Chief Executive Officer

It’s been a long time since I am working with our (y)our organization in spite of that awful office coffee which I have to drink 3-4 times a day. I spend almost 12 hours a day here, daily, work late evenings - all alone. In spite of working so hard, I feel that I haven’t got my due.

For the last 5 years I am working as Senior Manager and haven’t got promoted while many of my colleagues are AVP. My salary also is lesser than many of my batch mates who are working even in smaller companies. The company car I am provided with is Hyundai i10 while my batch mates are flaunting their Honda Citys. If I don’t hear from you (in writing) I’ll Fast unto Death in the Big Video Conference Room.

Regards

VenCut BallSubbu

Senior Manager , Quality Control.

Quick came the reply

....................................................

June 3, 2011

Dear Vencut

Thanks for writing in, after getting your email, I came to know that we have a department called Quality Control - you work there, right?

I really appreciate the fact that you are working with us for 9 years while many of our Top Performers have left us in less than 2 years to work for better companies. I asked for your records from HR but am told that our employee records got destroyed in Mumbai Floods in 2005, any how who needs records of those yesteryears.

I also emailed your Boss Joe to find out about your performance but got an out of office reply “I am busy attending a quality paradigm shift offsite in Mauritius so won’t be able to answer your mail, please contact Vencut in my absence”. As I couldn’t find about your performance, either from HR or from your Boss, I searched facebook and twitter to find more about you. Thank God, both these companies are not Mumbai based else they also wouldn’t have any records.

To my surprise, I found that you bought iPad2 from the grey market after paying a hefty premium and still cribbing about your salary. I also noticed that you are connected with my secy on facebook and “liking” her comments and pics. Last week when you took a “sick” leave from office, you went to Water Kingdom with your friends – What kind of sickness is this which gets cured there.

I checked your Bio on twitter, where you say that “you are a VP with an awesome IT company”.- Gross lie it is. After viewing some of your batch mates’ facebook pages, I came to know that most of your projects during MBA were done by your batchmates while you were busy dating one of your seniors.

Still I would like to give your case a fair hearing and asking Head HR to form a committee to evaluate your records (that reminds me , please submit your marksheets and other credentials, in duplicate, as we don’t have any records ).

Regarding long working hours, I always wondered why our office AC bills were so high – I am asking Head-Facilities to see if some of those can be deducted from your salary. I absolutely agree with you that the office coffee sucks,even I bring my coffee from home, but drinking 3 cups of office coffee a day-daily for 9 years-really shows your character.

Also, as per the company policy, access to the Big Video Conference room is not allowed to officials below AVP grade so please look for some other place to go on fast.

Cheers

Your CEO

PS: please ‘unfriend’ my Secy immediately.

Vacationing, take it easy!

2011-05-19T15:10:00.005+05:30

I am not at all an expert in travelling or vacationing, but when everyone else is busy giving ‘gyan’ then why not me.

Holiday / Vacation – Time away from normal employment or education called as vacation when (usually) spent away from home or in travelling.

Tea Gardens - Munnar

Most of us take vacation, reasons may be different though:

Break from Job, Boss or both.
Succumbing to family pressure – vacation demand.
Love for travelling or nature.
Claiming LTA ( Indian govt. Sector would understand this)
Just because your neighbor, friend or colleague keep boasting about their vacation.
Your brother in law from US gifted you a Nikon D 40.
Fed up of watching others’ vacation pics on Facebook.
To avoid wife's home cooked food.

You may have other reasons for taking a vacation, but do take a vacation once a while, other than giving you a break it also gives your maid some rest. Well, if you are thinking that I'll give you some tips on vacationing with your maid - stay away, one guy just lost his job because of a maid.

As I said I am going to give some gyan on Dos n Donts about vacationing, here I begin.

Don’t plan too much, it’ll hardly work.
Travel Lite, no point in carrying that new dress where no-one knows you.
Never ever carry a checklist of the “sites / points” to cover, take it easy.
No need to stretch yourself to visit one more site – “Now that we have come so far, let’s see that 'Sunset point' also”.
Enjoy the local food – Why the hell you would like to have Paneer butter masala and rajma chawal in Kerala?
Your Camera is to capture what you like, but first enjoy the view. There’s nothing better than capturing the beauty in your own memory through the twin lenses called eyes.
Forget Facebook and Twitter, updates can happen later - soak in the moment.
Trust local people, your driver, waiter, guide - everyone’s not a thug.
Treat waiters with respect, you have bought the food only not the restaurant or the waiter.
Don’t feel guilty just because you spend the day sleeping, you’ve come to relax, unwind and enjoy.
Avoid blackberry, iphone – your office can run without you.
Take it easy, there's always a next time.

Enjoy.

Great Indian Middle Class and the Science of Gifting.

2011-05-02T21:55:00.001+05:30

I am also part of Indian Middle Class, not only it reflects in my less than abundant income but also on my abundant “middle” – so don’t take it personally .

It starts with a humble invitation to your son for a birthday party and, the ordeal begins. Parents quickly get into a huddle and start discussing as if Bhutan has attacked India, all they are deciding is what to gift?. It’s a big thing, and it’s a rocket science.

To make your job easier, here are rules which you must keep in mind before buying that gift.

Venue of the party: It’s a big thing, an average buffet lunch at the Yellow Chilli at Powai or a meal at Piizza Hut costs around 300, so take that into consideration. Actually, lunch at five star would be more than 1500 per person but as I said it’s about middle class, so forget it.

Quid Pro Quo: You may have heard “What you give is what you get”, so rack your brains on what you got when it was your kid’s b’day. You can always use a magnifying glass to read the price tag of those gifts. If you are confused between 699 or 899, assume it’s 699, add inflation and you are ready. In case you are finding it difficult to read the price of the gift you got, google it.

Recycling: This is actually eco (economics, stupid ) friendly . Pick up any of the gift you got at your kid’s b’day. Yes, you can even use the same wrapper but at least buy a new gift tag. Caution : Always tag the gifts you got with “who gave them” so that you don’t end up giving the same back.

Discount Sales: In India, twice a year, there are discount sales where leading stores offer discounts as high as Up to 70% , this is actually a good time to buy gifts. I know that your friend’s daughter’s b’day is two months away but then that Barbie store is offering discounts now, so buy the gift now.

Disclaimer : This post doesn’t cover if it’s your Boss’s son’s b’day. Actually, those gifts are not mere gifts they are investments which may impact your appraisals. So be a little generous there, even if you have to apply for a small loan, do and invest in buying a gift which is not only costly but also perceived to be costly. It’ll go a long way.

PS: Do comment, share if you got some more gifting ideas, would be happy to post ( with credits).

Just Like It.

2011-04-22T11:16:00.002+05:30

Facebook – Launched in 2004, read by more than 500 million people in the world, is not even a book. Now compare it with the most published and sold book (scriptures excluded), “A Tale of two cities” by Charles Dickens , first published in 1859, managed to reach only 200 million copies.

Don’t worry, we’ll not discuss the real books here because I know what you want to read about.

My exposure to facebook is limited to my wife’s account, occasionally ( ok, little more than occasionally ), as I don’t have a facebook account . Yes, I still feel it’s fashionable to say “ I am not on facebook”.

I know it’s a wonderful tool, still I feel it’s one feature which brought all those 499 million people to facebook.

Thumb rule- Just Like It.

That’s the best button ever invented in the history of mankind . If you have ever been to school ( sorry, that was rude) , you know only 4-5 students participated in class, rest were waiting for Mark to invent "Like" so that they can also participate. Or, if you are that B-School type (No offence please) and attend meetings, you would know that only 1-2 participate in the meetings, rest largely restrict themselves to coffee n cookies while fiddling on their Blackberry.

"Like" also comes to your rescue when you are in a very important strategy seminar, and see that the girl you had a crush on , just posted a pic of her hubby and 2 year old kid – Just Like it. (Socially Responsible Tip – Never Like your Boss’s status during that office meeting, it’s Likely that he’s also on facebook on his Blackberry and would come to know what you are upto ).

"Like" will also give the AVP in you, a mild satisfying feeling when the ex Batchmate of yours posts his status saying that “ Promoted to Senior Manager”. For ladies, it’s the best thing to do when they see a better looking friend has turned into a fat aunty looking type.

Beauty of the Like button is that you can Like any thing , I mean any thing – I’m bored , Wonderful Weather, Going to watch Kites with family, Cleared Exam, Walking dog n husband. OMG, I'm pregnant.

One posted “Getting Married” , and there were 121 Likes, of course from all married ones inviting one and all to the misery. Liking “Breakup” is also fashionable these days.

Now some over enthusiastic facebookers, even Like these status - "Slipped off stairs, sprain in the ankle . Had an argument with boss, got fired. Traffic Sucks. WTF, I’m pregnant.

So the Thumb Rule is "Just Like It"

Quality Time at Office Office

2011-04-14T12:44:00.000+05:30

'Quality time' (QT) is an informal reference to time spent with loved ones (e.g., close family, friends) which is in some way important, special, productive or profitable. It is time that is set aside for paying full and undivided attention to the person/matter at hand. - Wikepedia

So if you noticed , there are two key things about quality time here :

• Spent with Loved ones

• Full and Undivided attention

The good part is that your Office / Boss can’t demand of your quality time unless you are in love with your Office, Boss or Both. I know free coffee, free internet, airconditioning, occasional Best Employee Certificate etc may cause love with your office, but your Hari Sadu will help in getting over it. Still if you are in love with your office, don’t worry, it will be cured – at least once a year - during your appraisals.

Some have a problem of falling in love with their Boss, this is little tricky, then you’ll have to remember the famous dialogue in Maine Pyaar Kiya , Corporate Edition – “Ek boss aur ek sub-ordinate kabhi dost nahin ho sakte”. In case this also doesn’t help, marry your boss – there won’t be any love left.

Other important part of this word quality time is undivided attention. Now to me , this undivided attention is the biggest myth, don’t believe, ask Rishi Vishwamitra. The moment you start concentrating on one task in office, nearing close to 60% of that undivided concentration – you’ll see a mail dropping in your In-Box from your boss saying - need that strategy paper by end of day today. Now the important thing which you were doing has gone to back burner , and you start thinking about this.

You head towards your boss’s cubicle, and see him animatedly talking over phone . “ ya… sure…I’ll get it…No No …won’t forget…7pm , color print…ya …ok…Bye” . So you think, it must be the Super Boss asking the strategy paper by 7 pm . No , it was his wife , asking for the color printouts of “7 wonders of the world” for his daughter’s school project.

You come back to your desk, and there’s one more email from your boss, now it’s a forward which describes – Malinga before and after .

Malinga - After the worldcup

Now you start thinking, to who all you should forward this, and the life goes on.

Cricket is not a religion!

2011-04-02T00:33:00.000+05:30

Let me begin with a disclaimer that my knowledge of religion is limited. My knowledge of cricket is even more limited as till sometimes back I thought Sreesanth is a dancer cum water boy, fine leg reminded me of Bipasha in Dhoom and Mandira Bedi was only popular for her role in Shanti.

Ok, on the day of the cricket world cup final, let me admit here, my interest in cricket is much more than my religion and it has nothing to do with Poonam Pandey.

One thing I still believe in, is - Cricket is not a religion.

Did you ever see riots happening over cricket?
Do you know of any book on cricket which is banned?
Have you come across any cleric who said he’ll burn copy of “Sunny Days”?
Did your mom ever say that you can watch cricket only after taking bath?
Cricket unites but religion divides!
You think, the talented Poonam Pandey would ever undress for a religious party?
Today also, if a WC11 cricket match were to be hosted, Ram Lalla, Sunni Waqf Board and Nirmohi Akhara , all would offer their piece of land .
Have you seen political parties going mad over cricket?
Do you think this guy would have become God, had he followed religion instead of cricket?

And last , and the most, unlike religion , in Cricket there’s only one God.

Today is Monday, Run,Run,Run,Run !

2011-03-28T21:39:00.001+05:30

This is my tribute to the very talented, 13 year old, Rebecca Black. If you haven't heard of her, you deserve to face her music. Go, google her song "Friday" , watch and then come back. Chances are that you'll never come back.

(Yeah, Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ark)
Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

6am, waking up in the mornin
Gotta be fresh, gotta go gym
Feelin sleepy, go back to the bed
7am, tryin waking up again
Gotta have tea, pick up the Times
Gotta hit the loo with Bombay Times
Gotta start car and go to office

Kickin in the front seat
Honkin like mad
Honkin on and on , everbody’s rushin
Oh no, about to hit the bugger in santro
Honk more, abuse and move on

Reached office, yeah one with 2 effs
It’s Monday, Monday
Yeah , some call it Mournday
Mournday, Mundane
Everyone looking backward to the weekend

*Flashback*
Cricket, Cricket ( Yeah)
Cricket, Cricket (Yeah)
Fun, Fun, Fun, Fun
Thinkin about the weekend

10:30, we’re in a meetin
Tea, Coffee and some cookies
We’re deep divin in the numbers
You know what it is
Wake me up when it’s over
I do this, you do this
Every office, we all do this

[Chorus]
It’s Monday, Monday
Gotta get down on Mournday
Everybody’s thinkin about the weekend, weekend
Monday, Mundane

Meeting, Meetin ( Yeah)
Meetin, Meetin (Yeah)
Run, Run, Run, Run
Lookin’ forward to the weekend

[Bridge]
Yesterday was Sunday, Sunday
Today is Monday, Monday, Monday
We-we-we so bugged
We so bugged
We gonna have a meetin today

Tomorrow is Tuesday
And Wednesday comes after...wards
I want this week to end

Meeting, Meetin ( Yeah)
Meetin, Meetin (Yeah)
Run, Run, Run, Run
Lookin’ forward to the weekend.

In case you, your boss or subordinate want to sing the song or record an album , feel free to copy.

What to say when you got nothing to say.

2011-03-19T22:32:00.000+05:30

.

.

Venusians on Twitter !

2011-03-12T20:39:00.007+05:30

This post is a result of extensive research and study, my sample size was approximately 3 women and Two and a Half men, many of them not even on twitter.By the end of this post you would know how to differentiate a Male tweep ( usually from Mars, wandering on earth) from a Female tweep (also owns the earth, from venus though) or vice versa (Refer Disclaimer). This post doesn't cover Archana, Farah or Bieber for obvious reasons.

So let's start, how to identify a female tweep.

Display Profile: It’s a no-brainer, one with pretty DPs are usually women. Some time you’ll see only half face with pretty eyes, only eyes, side pose , ever smiling face, and also some frequently changing DPs. Please ensure you don't stare for long, in past many men are caught viewing womens' DP on full-screen mode.

Twitter Handle: Handles are bit confusing, say @adi may be Aditya, Aditi or AdIndia, so arriving at a conclusion on the basis of handle alone is not good enough. Let's say even for @jyoti and @laxmi don't assume they are women as it could be Jyotiraditya or Laxmipati Balaji. So don’t try judging by handles, if by any chance you see some explicit mention says @RitzHotChick, safely assume that it’s an Orkutiya in disguise.

Bio: Well, for female species, 140 characters are never enough to describe, still you can get some subtle hints from the Bios.

[“I am that 80s girl, literally”] [“Part-time writer, full time mum”] [“Scorpion, Non believer, Shopaholic”] [“ hubby’s handle is @vikaspgoel”] [“Chatterbox , Tweet a lot, and an Arjun Rampal fan”] [“Drama Queen”]

Tweets: Last and the most are the tweets itself, some sample tweets you are unlikely to see from a male tweep are:

“Son won an award today, so proud” - Dads are equally proud, but hardly tweet.

“Guy I had a crush in school is so fat now”. - Sour grapes

“Bad day, Little darling Jacky didn’t eat properly” or simply “I love Jacky”– Though it’s sure that tweeter is a woman, but Jacky may be dog, boy friend , husband or driver.

“Off to Gym still craving for that chocolate cake” - usually tweeted by fittest of female species to create complex among other members of same species.

“Fed up with these orkutiyas, some one help please” - This is just a self-confidence building measure.
"There r ***** guys in d world" - Means nothing, but results in many mentions.
"No one wants to talk to me" - Actually a trap, guys start replying and she'll vanish or declare the guy a stalker.

Finally, stereotyping this species is almost suicidal, so it's always better to avoid generalizing and go by your own experience.

Disclaimer: None of the above tips are 100% fool proof, so author takes no responsibility if you err, by the way why do you want to find out if a tweep is a man or a woman on Twitter, focus on real life instead.

I accept responsibility

2011-03-05T10:28:00.004+05:30

“I accept responsibility”. I know that you know who said this, but before you jump your guns, take a pause, and think about it. This is not that three word sentence that every teenager keeps on muttering to other teenager of opposite sex (some times same sex also). It’s deep.

Saying this is not easy, just try remembering when did you last say this. On that BMI scale, I am overweight by 10kg, still, I blame my wife, mother, office and Ray Krok for this.

Last time I heard something similar from a person holding public office( need not google, this is my own definition of public office) was Steve Jobs. He didn't say this exactly, but he was close, and the kind of person he is, saying this was more than enough- “We're not Perfect”.

Now let's not compare the two epic personalities because they are altogether different -

One of them wears a blue turban and other blue denims. One of them did complete his studies to get a doctorate while other dropped out from the college

One is a leader who is widely respected by other leaders and even Newsweek Magazine said "the leader other leaders love" while other is hated, possibly by all so called leaders sitting in their corner offices.

One of them takes his own decisions and hardly listens, yes only one of them.

One is ever willing to resign and retire while other came back even after getting sacked , and wants to be at the helm always.

Only similarity I see is that succession for both is an issue.

So all I want to say is when these two can accept responsibility, why can't we?

Be it our work-life or personal life, our relationships, our commitment to our society, family and friends, let's be courageous enough to say - "I accept responsibility".

Why people resign?

2011-02-25T21:24:00.001+05:30

Usually I put a disclaimer at the end, but this being a sensitive issue, let me begin with it.

This is purely a work of friction, any resemblance to you, your boss, colleague or workplace is purely co-incidental. Also, it has got nothing to do with Hosni Mobarak’s resignation as you’ll find even worse dictators at your work place.

Let’s begin with - Why do you work ?

I know, it’s all about serving the society, giving back the nation what you got from it, to contribute to the government exchequer through taxes, to achieve that highest thing called “self actualisation” in Maslow’s need hierarchy.

Enough, cut the crap, It’s all about money, honey. How else you'll buy that $700 iPhone4 to make a phone call, with known network issues.

Now that we have narrowed down to the reason why you work, let’s see why people resign from one organisation to join another organisation.

I interviewed 321 Vice Presidents (names withheld to avoid making them popular) in the First Class compartment of Mumbai Local, Virar to Churchgate , result was : “People leave managers not companies” .

I know some of you agree to it , but this is like saying “I read playboy for its articles”.

So you tell me that your Boss sucks, steals credit for your job, does favouritism, doesn’t know as much as you do, get paid for just sucking-up, But, It’s like saying most politicians are corrupt or Uday Chopra is a bad actor.

When did you last meet a person who said “I love my Boss” or if at all you find a place where people love their Bosses, why the hell they’ll pay you to work there.

I know your boss may be a jerk, but how can you resign and join other unknown jerk - Don’t you know that “Known Devil is better than unknown God”

So, if you choose to resign, don’t give that crap that it’s because of your difficult Boss - It’s all because you find some other “free coffee place with double ff aka office", which is paying you more .

In the end, It’s all about money, honey.

By vikaspgoel | View this Toon at ToonDoo | Create your own Toon

Science of decision making - Movie Review Edition

2011-01-29T18:29:00.003+05:30

Vencut Sobbo, BTech, MBA, Senior Vice President–Strategy, was busy making a presentation on “Strategic Initiatives for Sustainable Growth by Leveraging Synergies”, when he got a call from his wife that she would like to go for a movie.

Hard pressed for time, he called up his Secy and asked about hindi movies currently playing. Cecillia replied, “Dil to Baccha hai Ji, Yamla Pagla Deewana, Dhobhi Ghat, No One Killed Jessica & Tees Maar Khan ”.

His AVP, Suniel GoSwami, MBA from IIIICM, overheard this and decided to do a quick research on the reviews and ratings, and knowing that Mrs. Sobbo was an Aamir Khan fan , he "zeroed in" on Dhobhi Ghat.

Suniel, like most of you , relied on the medieval “Star Rating” system to choose which movie to watch but decided to “Walk an extra mile” to impress his boss .

He pulled out 21 reviews of Dhobhi Ghat , meticulously put them in a PowerPoint.

These were the results :

« One Star – (1) Komal Nahta

«« Two Star – (3) Minty Tezpal ( Mumbai Mirror) , Gaurav Malani ( Economic Times) & Blessy Chettiar ( DNA)

««^1/2 Two and a Half star – (4) Khalid Mohammed & Kaveree Bamzai( India Today) etc

««« Three Star – (5) Anupama Chopra ( NDTV) , Rajeev Masand ( IBN) , Sonil Dedhia ( Rediff) etc

«««^1/2Three and Half Star- ( 5) Nikhat Kazmi ( Times) , Sonia Chopra ( Sify) , Sarita Tawar ( Mid-Day) etc

«««« Four Star – (3) Taran Adarsh , Santa Banta and Now Running.

Little confused but knowing his Boss’s fetish for numbers and stats , he didn’t settle for this raw data and “drilled down” further . So all 21 results were “populated” in “Microsoft Access” and he “Run a query” to find a little more scientific and statistically correct rating , results were :

Average	2.928571
Mode	3
Median	3
Geometric Mean	2.805119
Harmonic Mean	2.643093

As any statistical result would have , he also added a disclaimer : "It's assumed that all 21 reviewers are equally talented ( hence no need of weighted mean), and none of them has been influenced by any kith, kin cast or crew of any of these movies. Also, it's assumed that they have rated these movies after watching at least 10 minutes each of both halves"

Satisfied that he had done enough, he called his boss to tell the results. Vencut , entered the cabin humming “Sheila ki Jawani”, looked at the PowerPoint titled “Informed Decision Making” . Inspite of being a “Man of numbers”, he was not looking visibly impressed with this 6 slide power point presentation with graphs and pie charts. He called Cecilia to check who’s the heroine in Dhobhi Ghat , Cecilia said “Some new unglamorous chic, I don’t know the name, sir”.

Vencut immediately called his wife “Honey , tried tickets of Dhobhi Ghat , but couldn’t get , so got you Tees Maar Khan – It’s an Akshay Starrer, and a comedy which you’ll like”.

Spirit of Mumbai !

2011-01-13T21:58:00.001+05:30

This Sunday, it would be my 5th year at the Standard Chartered Mumbai Marathon - 2011 . And, like last four years , this year too I along with my colleagues would be led by some amazingly spirited kids from The Victoria Memorial School for the Blind , Mumbai . We all would be participating in the Dream Run.

Yes, these kids would walk / run the whole six kilometers with us.

These are some of the pics I clicked , while running / walking with them in 2010.

These pics are clicked by me , feel free to copy paste. Btw , if you feel like making some donations to the Victoria Memorial School for the Blind , Mumbai , contact them http://www.vmsb.org/ or let me know.

LinkedIn – The Blunder years !

2011-01-08T11:28:00.003+05:30

As of 1 January 2011, LinkedIn had more than 90 million registered users, spanning more than 200 countries. You can be proud that You , Your neighbor , and the society watchman, all are one in 90 million.

Let’s get started .

Profile

It’s first and the easiest step , all you need to write is your education( if any) , Past and Current ( no no not girl friends ) Employments , and it’s ready . It also allows you to give a brief summary , that’s where many of us try to be creative.

Sample Summary of Vencut Sobbo

“I am a vibrant , creative and hardworking young professional with a sharp focus on quality tasks. Other than BAU am also good at multi tasking and have accomplished a robust culture in current organisation. My goal in life is to scale new heights and take my organisation to even higher height. If given a chance , I would prove an ASSet to your esteemed organisation , together we can achieve even newer heights – you can see that I am not scared of heights"

This will ensure that your summary appears in every possible search , by any damn consultant , MBA or a wanna be MBA cum Consultant.

Sending Invites

First and foremost , use LinkedIn special feature to send auto invites to all your gmail, rediffmail and yahoo mail contacts , this will ensure that your invite reaches atleast 749 people. Now it’s time for sending some personalised invites.

Sample personalised invites :

First , to that pretty HR lady who hired you.

“Dear SunderLuxmi , I would like to invite you to my LinkedIn because I like the way you helped me in filling all the 19 Joining Forms including my hobbies , I still remember the way you smiled listening that Orkutting is my hobby”

Second , to the Head Marketing , whom you met in the LOO.

“Dear Sunderassan Sir, I am working with despatch department , as a junior vice executive – outgoing emails , please accept my invite. In case you don’t remember , we met at the place where all bodily fluids meet , and I liked your tattoo”

Making Recommendations

Now , it’s time to make some recommendations. By now , you would have received at least 19 messages asking for your recommendations.

The typical message would look something like - "I'm sending this to ask you for a brief recommendation of my work that I can include in my LinkedIn profile. If you have any questions, let me know. Thanks in advance for helping me out"

Now seeing this , don’t waste your time in remembering who’s this guy. All you need is to dust off your old “wren n martin “ , see what is an adjective – pick any one at random and make a sentence and Bingo .

Sample Recommendation for an Ex

“Nymphia and I go a long way , I still remember her first day in our office , also when we met at the “Annual Forward Looking Strategy and Looking Back Meeting”. She is very well dressed and has an eye for detail , she quickly spotted the mole and some hairs on my left ear lobe”

That’s it for this time , keep licking linking.

Disclaimer: Names have been changed on requests, If still it’s your name you better change it.

If Bollywood was on LinkedIn ?

2011-01-02T19:59:00.003+05:30

First thing, it would no more be called LinkedIn , it would be LinkedUp – and you know why !

Now let’s explore some popular features of LinkedIn.

Profile :

That’s the first step for any LinkedIn user, and knowing Bollywood they would hire script writers for it. Chetan Bhagat would be the busiest person on earth and the first one to approach him would be one film wonder Sonakshi Sinha and no film no wonder Shazahn Padamsee.

Shazahn Padamsee : Current – Doing nothing , Past – Did nothing except a blink and you miss kinda role in Rocket Singh.

Shazahn Padamsee through Chetan Bhagat’s pen.

"Shazahn Padamsee, a theatre artist , a successful model turned actress is the daughter of renowned ad guru / theatre personality Alyque Padamsee and prominent pop singer Sharon Prabhakar. She made her feature film debut in 2009 in the Hindi film Rocket Singh: Salesman of the Year opposite Ranbir Kapoor, which opened to critically acclaimed reviews ( by both Alyque and Sharon), and now she is working with critically acclaimed , national award winner , eminent director – Madhur Bhandarkar."

Add Connections :

Now as you know , typical LinkedIn user connects with people he/ she has worked with or studied with. But, Bollywood and studies hardly go together except Tusshar Kapoor who has graduated with a BBA from the Ross School of Business ( Now you know why Bollywood doesn’t pursue education).

So LinkedIn would come up with a new tab , “People you have partied with”, and Kishen Mulchandani would be the most connected man. Bombay Times and HT Cafe would sponsor this section , and would provide data and photographic proofs. So, the people you partied yesterday night , would automatically appear today in “People you may know”.

By the way, unlike tattoos , connections are not permanenet . So Deepika can always block Ranbir and reconnect with Sid.

Who’s viewed your profile:

This feature tells that “Your profile has been viewed by 14 people in last 15 days” and it further tells that who all viewed your profile. Now this would be most used feature , as it would tell that Deepika and Sonam have viewed each other’s profile 19 times and Shakti Kapoor has viewed both of their profiles 190 times. Surprisingly , Katrina has never viewed Salman’s profile.

Recommendations:

Well , this has got nothing to do with casting couch , and I repeat there’s no casting couch in this industry. So Aditya Panchssholi would self-lessly recommend Kangna but Kangna would never display that recommendation on her profile. Karan Johar would recommend every damn person except Ram Gopal Verma . Uday Chopra and Harman Baweja would love to recommend people , but LinkedIn won’t allow them to recommend.

Morani Brothers and Wizcraft would start “Paid Recommendations” where for a measly sum of INR 2 crores , you can get recommendations from Shahrukh Khan , Salman Khan or Akshay Kumar.

Aamir Khan won’t recommend any one except Kiran Rao or Imrran Khan .

Some day , I’ll also talk about premium features of LinkedIn.

Dieting or Die Eating?

2010-12-18T12:03:00.004+05:30

Why weight loss shouldn't be your New Year Resolution 2011.

1. To begin with, let's avoid anything to do with this extremely negative word 'Loss' - Robin Sharma is right , let's talk about “Gain” not “Loss”.

2. If you think losing weight is sexy and girls like it , you're wrong. Shane Warne weighs 85 kg and poor Arun Nayar is at least 10kg lighter. I won’t post Liz’s pics here , please google.

3. Some say , if you lose weight, you'll live longer – Even if it’s true , what's the fun in living a long life when you spent half of your life worrying and thinking about losing something. Even Rujuta Diwekar says that most of us "Lose mind to Lose weight" then why try.

4. Why don't you get in shape? If this bothers you perhaps you didn't study physics, maths, whatever carefully. 'Round' is a shape, and an awesome shape.

5. Are you scared of your height? No na , then why get scared of your width. Love every “dimension” of your life.

6. Rooney says, “The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.”.

7. For those who are little scientific in their approach , let me bust this myth. You may have heard of something called Body Mass Index or BMI.

   Weight in kilograms
   BMI = ——————————
   Height in meters²

Now tell me , how can this be correct , when we all know we can't increase our height, so all we are left with weight. It's an absolutely one sided formula, better ignored.

8. Think about millions of people employed directly or indirectly by KFC and McDonalds. Now if all of a sudden, you stop buying French Fries , who'll feed thousands of farmers and their kids who grow potatos.

9. You really think that Dieting is good for health , when the word itself begins with Die. It's suicidal and attempting suicide is a crime in many countries. Still if you want to Die , why not Die Eating.

10. To lose weight, they say "Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper" , This is ridiculous , when you get a chance to Be a King , three times a day , why be a pauper at all.

Last, and the most, Look at this. Period.

Disclaimer : Views expressed here are those of the author, and he may have "dressed it up" to suit certain "Waisted Interests".

New Year Resolution 2011

2010-12-04T11:52:00.006+05:30

Some of you may wonder that it's really early to think about New Year 2011 resolutions in the first week of December 2010 , but you see “I'm different”. So this year , I'll be planning in advance. Let me give you some popular and repeated New Year Resolutions.

So , while you may pick one of these , I won't because “I'm different”.

So here I go with my 2011 New Year resolutions.

1. I'll stop reading movie reviews by Rajeev Masand, Taran Adarsh or for that matter any one , not only because they are biased but also because of huge inconsistency . Reviews of Khele Hum Jee Jan Se varied from Half a Star to Four Stars. I demand Govt. nationalise this whole movie rating business.

2. I won't Hashtag any scam next year in my tweets, frequently Hashtagging 2G, CWG, Adarsh, Radia etc has taken a heavy toll on 'Q' key on my Blackberry which shares the '#' symbol.

3. I'll continue reading columns by Celeb Journo ( you know whom I am talking about) , but only when I am in mood to read fiction and not able to find my book "1001 Political Jokes".

4. Number Portability is certainly not for me, not because that I Love my service provider, but I don't want to make Govt. job easy to tap my phone.

5. I'll follow Chetan Bhagat , no- no not because I love him but through him I can easily know what Shejan Padamsee, Celina Jaitly and other Bollywood damsels are saying.

6. I'll go for fast unto death ( yet to decide whose death) OR drive from Borivali to Nariman Point during peak hours, to bring Arnab Goswami on Twitter. Yes, I Love Him, while you all were making fun of Kalmadi , he relentlessly interviewed him without even letting him speak.

7. You guessed it right, Fitness or Dieting won't be my New Year resolution . McDonalds and KFC employ almost 2 million people worldwide, Think about it.

8. I’ll go by I&B Ministry's advice and let them decide what my kids should watch. Have sent them all the tapes of Hannah Montana , Ninja Hattori, Power Rangers to check if It's appropriate for my 6 and 8 year old kids.

9. I'll watch every movie of Uday Chopra because Mom says "No gain without some pain".

10. Oh, I just found my 2007 New Year resolutions, I think I’ll go by them in order to save paper. Remember , Recycle, Reuse & Reduce.

Happy New Year.

Why weight loss shouldn't be your New Year Resolution 2011.

1. To begin with, let's avoid anything to do with this extremely negative word 'Loss' - Robin Sharma is right , let's talk about “Gain” not “Loss”.

2. If you think losing weight is sexy and girls like it , you're wrong. Shane Warne weighs 85 kg and poor Arun Nayar is at least 10kg lighter. I won’t post Liz’s pics here , please google.

3. Some say , if you lose weight, you'll live longer – Even if it’s true , what's the fun in living a long life when you spent half of your life worrying and thinking about losing something. Even Rujuta Diwekar says that most of us "Lose mind to Lose weight" then why try.

4. Why don't you get in shape? If this bothers you perhaps you didn't study physics, maths, whatever carefully. 'Round' is a shape, and an awesome shape.

5. Are you scared of your height? No na , then why get scared of your width. Love every “dimension” of your life.

6. Rooney says, “The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.”.

7. For those who are little scientific in their approach , let me bust this myth. You may have heard of something called Body Mass Index or BMI.

Weight in kilograms

BMI = ——————————

Height in meters²

Now tell me , how can this be correct , when we all know we can't increase our height, so all we are left with weight. It's an absolutely one sided formula, better ignored.

8. Think about millions of people employed directly or indirectly by KFC and McDonalds. Now if all of a sudden, you stop buying French Fries , who'll feed thousands of farmers and their kids who grow potatos.

9. You really think that Dieting is good for health , when the word itself begins with Die. It's suicidal and attempting suicide is a crime in many countries. Still if you want to Die , why not Die Eating.

10. To lose weight, they say "Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper" , This is ridiculous , when you get a chance to Be a King , three times a day , why be a pauper at all.

Last, and the most, Look at this. Period.

Disclaimer : Views expressed here are those of the author, and he may have "dressed it up" to suit certain "Waisted Interests".

Orkutiya - Verified by Orkut.

2010-11-27T11:03:00.000+05:30

So , finally it’s here. This was pending for long and after witnessing surge in Orkuttish behaviour on Twitter , Orkut has joined hands with Twitter to identify people who deserve this very special status “Verified by Orkut” or as popularly known as “Orkutiya”.

Soon you’ll know an Orkutiya , by looking at his DP , which will look something like this.

Before Verification

Verified by Orkut - Orkutiya

Though Orkut and Twitter have decided to keep the parameters highly confidential, still my friend Booby at Twitter has got some of the Algos which increase your chances of being a “Verified Orkutiya”.

Twitter Handle – Usually He’ll have an innocuous looking handle but some with strong Orkuttish feelings may have something like – @Rohit_Hunk, @SunilSecC, @Ronny_Handsome, @SunnyFrmAmbala or simply @Bobby86.

Bio – That’s where an Orkutiya is at it’s best . Though he has limited space to describe his feeling still , can say it all. “I am 22, doing MBA, interested in females of any age” . “I am fan of Akshay and Chetan Bhagat” or “I love Deepika Paducon, She is sooooo Sexi” but the real ones describe it all “I am Sunny, from Haryana, Jaat, 5’11, 21 interested in real fraandship”.

DP – Usually it’s a side profile Pic but the Real ones put pics of Salman , Sunny or Imraan or Akhsay , lately one was found using Chetan Bhagat's pic also.

Tweets – This is where , Twitter and Orkut have applied some really complex Algos , still some of the keywords / phrases could be :

“Fraandship” , “U from , “Friendship *thanks to auto correct some get it right*”, “looking for real luv”, “Just Fraands”, “Which College” , “my email id rohit_hunk86@hotmale.com”, “U R very Beutiful” , “Just Fraands, Pliss, Pliss, Pliss”.

Now that you know it all , let me try define it.

Orkuitya (n) – Harmless creatures on Social Networking sites, like Orkut, Facebook and Twitter (in this order) , who always prowl for DP, TwitterHandle and then Bio ( in that order). They start mildly , with “Hi” , but can reach 107 degree Orkuttish , very soon. If dealt properly, they are fun to deal with but in past some have been found with “True Love” and “Suicidal Tendencies” also.

Quit India Movement - Bollywood Edition

2010-10-29T23:30:00.002+05:30

The year is 1942 , Mahatma Gandhi just called our Bollywood Celebs to join the Quit India movement , and this is what they have to say.

@udaychopra - It’s not always nice to use the word Quit , lets go on the other side and say “Come” – Daya Prochu

@DuttaLara – Dear @maheshbhupathi , these guys are calling for some Quit India , let’s quit india and go to france.

@iamsrk – terribly busy with ra-two , now playing Quit India on PS3 , farhan and me will beat the shit out of them.

@SrBachchan – T1942 Pahle us aadmi ko lekar aao jisne akshay ko jackass bola tha. Baapu, phir tum jahan bologe , mein aoonga.

@priyankachopra – Long day , farhan and srk are playing quit india , I am the cheer leader, I love bhagat singh xoxo.

@shahidkapoor – what’s this quilt india ? I like Jaipuri Quilt. Now off on my Harley for a ride .Broadband is erotic , shabbakhair.

@realpreityzinta – Good morning folks ! I’ll not join any movement against Brits as University of London is giving me a honorary doctorate.

@Riteishd – Rajnikant’s new movie is called Quitter , he’ll make India quit from this planet.

@RGVzoomin – Quit India movie is so violent that even Rakht Charitra would like a family function in Karan Johar’s movies

@kjohar25 – Off to London for a Quit India theme fashion show with Gauri and Susanne.

@iHrithik – Amgrezo , meri GUZAARISH hai ki Bharat Chhodo , btw Sanjay Leela rocks.

@Ayeshatakia - :) :)

@GulPanag – I am on my way to chandigarh, in Shatabdi. btw recording this whole Quit India movement on my #tataskyplus.

Also starring

@chetan_bhagat - Please Quit India and join CB Land , my INDEPENDENT nation , comprising of all girls hostels. TROLLS , PLEASE EXCUSE. #househusband

Disclaimer : The stars in this blog may be real but they have been playing fictitious characters all their real or reel life and always claim that any resemblance to persons living , dead or in between is purely coincidental , so be it.

Fortune at the bottom of this pyramid !

2010-10-23T00:20:00.006+05:30

Sounds familiar, right ? Gone are the days when people used to tell their salaries as 16400 – 750- 19000 , and what they actually use to get was much more. These days, you may flaunt your CTC (Cost to the company) as your salary but what you get is much less and well known to your wife and the neighbourhood friendly bank which has given you a Home Loan and a Credit Card.

I was trying to guage what Venkat Balsubbu thinks about this whole CTC issue. “What the hell, what’s this CTC issue and what’s your pyramid thing , it’s all trash. I don’t believe this, my beloved employer provides me much more than this, I actually believe there is fortune at the bottom of this CTC Pyramid” says Balsubbu

Seeing a bewildered me, he paused to explain. Your salary is not just what gets credited in your account, there are numerous perks which people don’t tell.

A few of them include:

· Those free sips of tea and coffee, ( Many of us depend on office for our entire caffeine requirement, don’t we?).

· Devouring those free lunches, (one can’t resist free lunches even when on a strictest of diets!)

· A few ( rather i must say many ) personal calls ,here and there, that we sneak in from the office phone (now, don’t tell me you are not one of those!).

· Colour printouts you take every week for your kids’ homework . Some of us even print our CVs for Job Applications in office.

· All the personal surfing and emails to our friends.

· Amount of free GPRS bandwidth you consume on Facebook , Twitter and Orkut on your BlackBerry.

· Some take PostIt , StaplerPins and even writing pads home.

· How can we forget numerous official visits to distant towns , planned so that you can attend your relative’s marriage and bring your wife and kids back from their summer vacation.

Last and not the least , most of us get paid believing we’ll work for 7-8 hrs a day .

Keep your hand on the heart and tell me , how many days a year you actually work 7 hrs a day !

Saying this Venkat walked away to collect color printout of Hannah Montana for his daughter.

New Nationalised Twitter

2010-10-16T00:43:00.001+05:30

NewTwitter would be launched first in Tembhli - Maharashtra on pilot basis.

Now , The New Birdie

40 out of 140 characters would be for the reserved category.
VIPs would be able to tweet up to 160 characters.
Twitter would be available from 9-5 , Monday to Friday.
Twitter Dry Day on Gandhi Jayanti , Republic and Independence Day.
People with > 350 followers would have to pay wealth tax.
User names have to be Unique IDs or Pan Numbers.
All Mumbaites would have to end every tweet with #JaiMaharashtra
Handles would be renewed every 5 years after mandatory police verification.

Now , The Nationalised FailWhale

Oh Yeah , We’re the CrackVerry Boys

2010-10-09T10:44:00.001+05:30

We wear fake attitude

We deserve no gratitude

We’re the CrackVerry Boys

Oh yeah

We’re the CrackVerry Boys

We’re Medicore , But we’re Arrogant

We’re very very Arrogant

We’re the CrackVerry Boys

Oh yeah

We’re the CrackVerry Boys

We do PowerPoints

and we do mail

We do meetings

We do all in vain.

Oooo, ooo, ooo, hoooo

Cos We’re the CrackVerry Boys

Oh yeah

We’re the CrackVerry Boys

Na na na

We’re the CrackVerry Boys

Oh yeah

We’re the CrackVerry Boys

Why Kashmir doesn't get solved on my timeline ?

2010-10-03T02:20:00.003+05:30

click on the image to view .

To view on TwitPic , click here http://twitpic.com/2u2pvh

Playing Buzkashi in office.

2010-09-24T23:20:00.001+05:30

Buzkashi

I met my friend ,Venkat Balsubbu, Vice President, Synergistic Initiatives, Hefner & Hustler, after a long time . While chatting, I asked him that how he, an adventure sports loving person, passes his time in office. “I play email-email” He added “You should know that “email email” is the most popular, adventurous yet dangerous game ever invented after Buzkashi .

He didn’t wait to give me some of his favorites:

When free and have nothing to do, just pick up an email with some attachment, say something like "Seems fine but doesn't gel with the overall strategy , suggest meeting to discuss in detail . Asok, see if you can make a lucid one pager for all" and do reply all. Don’t forget to add some random recipients. It will just take 2 minutes but will set people back by 2 days. Of course , poor Asok will end up working weekend and many will die figuring out why the email is copied to them.

Whenever you get a forward which is bulky and complex , containing some industry research, all you need to do is to forward to your boss. Add a message like this “don’t agree with all of it but the stats on page 19 are really eye opening” , of course you need not read anything except page 19. If you manage a team , the same document can be sent to them with a message “Let’s discuss sometime next week” , and some of them will take the print home to prepare for the next week.

Whenever you come across any newspaper article on your industry covering a subject like IT or HR which is not your domain, just find the link through google and send it to your peer in IT saying “Came across this piece , speaks about breakthrough in production in beta though , may be of interest to you” . Of course the message looks benign but the moment you copy it to Head of IT , turns lethal.

And finally when in doubt, just forward the email saying “fyi , please”.

Dear Ganesha, So What....

2010-09-18T14:46:00.004+05:30

Like every year, this year too we are celebrating Ganesh Chaturthi will all the fervour and gaiety . And , I am sure YOU will bless us all , after all we do so much for YOU.

We spare no efforts in collecting “chanda” from all and sundry in your name , so what if we have to beat a couple of shopkeepers for not paying what we asked for.

We ensure that your procession is the best and biggest , and do every bit to make you reach early and safe to the “visarjan area” , so what if we have to block traffic for couple of hours or more, so what if some critical patient carrying ambulance get delayed or some office goers face problems, so what if all the state's traffic police is dedicated towards YOUR safety while ignoring other areas.

We play music at our loudest to entertain you , some times even play Bappi , Himesh or “Munni Badnam Hui” so that you know the latest trends , So what if the kids preparing for exams can’t concentrate or some ailing patients get disturbed.

Your idols have to be the best without making any compromises on your looks , so what if they are made in plaster of paris and painted in some nickel and cadmium heavy paints.

We will immerse you in sea not in any specially made visarjan ponds , because that’s the place to be , so what if that pollutes the water or disturb the ecological balance.

Now that we have done so much for you , why won't you bless us.

Disclaimer: Dear Ganesha , I have copied the above image from web without paying any royalty as I don't know who has patented YOU or your images.

Google Instant , Filter Coffee and Mumbai Trains

2010-09-10T11:39:00.001+05:30

There’s so much buzz about “Google Instant” , my friend Venkat Ballsubbu , Senior Executive with an MNC Consulting in India , decided to call up Google to find out.

Venkat: What’s this Google Instant ? Don’t you know we still like Filter Coffee!

Google: Sir , Google Instant is not an Instant Coffee , It’s our new search enhancement that shows results as you type.

Venkat: But why , you guys were fast enough. Many times you boast saying - About 104,000,000 results (0.19 seconds) , while my slow internet connection took 9 minutes to show them.

Google: (Faster Searches) Sir , Our key technical insight was that people type slowly, but read quickly, So Google Instant can save 2-5 seconds.

Venkat: 2-5 SECONDS , Big deal ! We in India waste hours in meetings , while taking minutes ; waste hours smoking ,having tea , travelling on potholed roads , watching TV serials like Rahul ka swayamwar . We still waste days observing Bandhs for no rhyme or reason ; waste years preparing for Common Wealth Games and some Bollywood actors have wasted lifetime learning acting – What you talk 2-5 seconds of savings.

Google: (Smarter Predictions) Sir , Also , even when you don’t know exactly what you’re looking for, predictions help guide your search.

Venkat: WTF ! , Predictions , My foot ! Every time I type "How to" , you predict “How to get pregnant” , You think an Indian needs Google to teach him How to get or make pregnant?

Google: Sir , The most obvious change is that you get to the right content much faster than before because you don’t have to even press “search.”

Venkat: You got it all wrong , I never mind ‘pressing’ . Come with me in Mumbai’s crowded local trains , you’ll start enjoying pressing . Your product will fail in India.

Google: Sir , By the way , It’s a FREE service.

Venkat: Oh thanks , You should have told earlier . We love anything and everything , if Free.

More about Google Instant http://google.com/instant

Bell, Curve & Venkat's last working day.

2010-09-04T00:34:00.004+05:30

Venkat's email to his Boss and team mates on his last working day.

Dear All

As many , rather all of you know that today is my last working day here. But , before I leave let me thank all of you for giving me this opportunity , I mean opportunity to look for a new job , and courage to write this email.

First , I would like to thank Reena , 2 years junior to me at IIIT , still working at my level ie Asst Vice President . I thank you for making me realise that “performance is not the only thing” . Yes , the cute teddy bear on your desk , which your “cousin” gave you , was exactly the same Boss bought from Changi Airport for his “cousin”.

Ramesh , just 2 months back Boss hired you from a small time company. I always use to think that inspite of an MBA from some SurajMal Institute - Hanumangarh , how come you managed to join an MNC like ours . Then, that day in Project Dynamic success party, when we all were high , you told me that Boss’s *beautiful* wife Nisha is also from Hanumangarh. I also believe in "Family First” and now you can call her Nisha Didi.

Gloria , though you were just Boss’s secy but you always will have a special place in my life. Every time I went to a foreign trip , you always asked for PSP games for your son. Way you use to enquire prices ( on my international roaming though) , I always went for the best deals and kept my bills safely . By the way , in the last 2 years , you owe me USD 540 , and I still have those bills.

Last , and the most , Boss , thanks for everything. Thanks for humiliating me in front of Reena , and telling me to be like her , I can’t be like her because those operations cost a lot. Thanks for telling me , throughout the year, that I am doing extremely well but still rating me “Just meets expectations” and blaming it on that “Bell Curve” , I know which "Curve" rings your "Bell". Thanks for making me pay for many lunches we had together, pretending that your Gucci wallet is in office drawer.

And , when you get call in reference to my next employment , I am sure you would say “ exceeded expectations and a great team player ” . Because, that day , after Project Dynamic party , when you were “Dirty Dancing” with XXXXX , my iPhone’s camera was working.

Once again , thank you all and be in touch with me at Venkat33 @ hotmail.com

Venkat.

By vikaspgoel | View this Toon at ToonDoo | Create your own Toon

Pothole - Half Full or Half Empty.

2010-08-28T20:45:00.000+05:30

Mumbai to Mangalore , Delhi to Dhampur , Bathinda or Boston ( Yes , I said Boston ) , Potholes need no introduction , yet for the uninitiated and some inward-looking homely folks ,let me define it.

Pothole : (noun) A pit or hole produced by wear or weathering (especially in a road surface).

I don’t understand why people crib about them or hate them , they are actually a God Gift ( see definition – weathering ) to Mankind through Roadkind . Still if some of you are not convinced , allow me to put the Potholes in the right perspective.

Inclusive : It’s God’s own way of bringing the much needed inclusivity in our lives . Be it BMW or Scorpio , Kawasaki or Honda , Nano or Hummer , a pothole spares no one.

Omnipresent: You may not find traffic police , working signal lights , traffic on the road but you’ll find a pothole – without fail.

Shapes: As they say "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder" – just have a closer look at a pothole , you’ll see some real art-work in them , recently I saw a “India map shaped pothole” ( Not uploading picture because Kashmir was not represented accurately in that , and I would not like to get into any controversies).

Life Savers : You know Speed thrills but Kills. But how many of you know that 1000's of accidents , every year , are prevented by these humble potholes , and the credit goes to speed - breakers . They are silent speed enforcers , so even if you miss the speed-limit sign , potholes would take care of your speed.

Perspective : During rains , these beautiful natural wonders get filled with water – now its up to you to see if it’s half full or half empty.

Reminders: Every pothole is inbuilt with an alarm and would remind you of your life insurance premium , your appointment with Doc for backache , medical insurance and sometimes even need to visit a Temple , a Church or a Mosque.

Hope you got it .

Disclaimer : This is neither an offer nor a solicitation to invest in potholes. I or my family does not hold any interest, directly or indirectly in any of the potholes in India or outside.

Uday Chopra , Suzuki GSK-R1000K6 and Twitter

2010-08-21T23:41:00.000+05:30

As you know , Bobby , my friend works with Twitter and takes care of the verification process at Twitter , narrated to me how Uday Chopra got his account verified.

Uday : Hi , Is this Twitter , I am Uday. I need to get my Twitter account verified and listen, I am in a hurry, have to leave for a shoot.

Bobby: Sir , Kindly give me your full name and yes! shooting is illegal in India.

Uday: Bugger , firstly ,to be precise, I am the Uday Chopra and am talking about film shooting. .You haven’t watched DDLJ ....

Bobby: Ya , Ya now I remember , were you SRK’s friend who wore a cap....

Uday: Bugger , that was Karan Johar , ....any ways what about “ Mujhse Dosti Karoge”?

Bobby: Sir please , I am not that type and I have a girl friend..

Uday : I AM TALKING ABOUT THE MOVIE , ANY WAYS DID YOU WATCH DHOOM 2 ?

Bobby: Yes Sir , there were 3 Suzuki bikes 1000 cc GSK-R1000K6 , 600 cc GSX-R600K6 and GSR600K6 and all are my favourite , Hrithik was excellent , Abhishek was Ok but there was one bugger who shouldn’t be even allowed to drive a Luna . By the way , Were you director of the movie ...?

Uday: Forget it , Did you see Pyaar Impossible ?

Bobby: Yes sir , we got some free passes , free popcorn and a corner couple seat . So went with my girl friend . There was Priyanka Chopra in it.......

Uday: ( interrupts and sighs with relief ) There you are , and I was Priyanka Chopra’s ....

Bobby: (Interrupting ) you should have told earlier sir . Your account is verified now . Completes the details - Uday Chopra , Brother of Priyanka Chopra .... .Hangs the phone.

PS: I am a big fan of Uday Chopra , and I promise that I’ll watch his movie whenever he does his "ACTING" debut.

Can we take it offline ?

2010-08-13T00:45:00.007+05:30

Reporter of The Daily Times decides to call his friend Harry Blotter , MBA from IIIIPPM , Associate Managing Director with Hefner and Old consultants NA for a quick view on the Blackberry ban.

Reporter: You think the Blackberry ban is justified ?

Harry : Holy Crap , this Government needs to start with “Blue Sky thinking” , “deep dive” into the issue , do a “SWOT” , then take a call to “Pull the plug”. When technology is not the “Core Competency” of the Government, why doesn’t it “touch-base” with other “Stake Holders” , discuss it “Thread Bare” and then arrive at a “Win-Win” situation . By the way , Government’s approach should be “Customer Centric” and it needs to discuss the issue “End to End” while keeping the “End use perspective” in mind so that it “Manages expectations” of all. Above all , whatever be the “End result” , it ought to be “scalable” , which will require “robust” planning . But the problem is no one is looking at the “Big Picture” , everyone is concentrating at “Low hanging fruits” without “leveraging” the “synergies” and the biggest worry is who will “take ownership”.

Reporter : Sir , I repeat the question , Is the ban on the blackberry justified ?

Harry: Can we take it offline ?